Thursday, August 17, 2017

Let me grieve

You may rejoice in my baby sister's decision to join a convent, but please let me grieve. 

Let me acknowledge the very real loss of her absence. 
Let me watch my parents as they bear their heartache with as much dignity as they can muster. Let me realize fully my inability to fill  the void created in the absence of one they hold so unspeakably dear - the one child they created together. Let me watch them age before my eyes. Let me feel the helplessness to ease their pain. Let me wonder what the years ahead will hold, with my sister no longer a part of the picture of our lives. 

Let me wrestle to steady my emotions as the uncertainty of her path hovers overhead. 

Let me come to willing acceptance that I am not allowed to communicate with her until the time is designated that I may. 

Let me force my heart to let go where I must. 

Let me helplessly watch my (twin) sister fight the loneliness that so marks this season of her life, while now also holding back the waves of grief that thrash at her. 

Let me feel the anger.

Let me feel the pain. 

Let me feel nothing but apathy. 

Let me grieve the life that we do not live alongside her. 

Let me watch my boys grow, suffer, rejoice, fail and conquer in all those seasons of life and let me grieve in her absence during those seasons.

Let me long to share in the memories we won't make together. 

Let me be frustrated and don't tell me that it could be worse. 


Gwendolyn1946 said...

I am weeping just as my heart is breaking all over again. I love you so much...

Diknight said...

I am so saddened by the choice that Jessica made, and what it has done to her family. Allowing you all to grieve is a must ... because of her choice, as you have stated, she is dead to you. With the real passing of my lovely sweet Christian mother in law in March, my best friend's youngest son in April, my mom in June, and a friend we have known for 35 years just last week ... I know what grieving is. We must all go through it ... God gave us these feelings for a reason.
But I just want to say one thing ... my deaths are physically real. As long as there is life and breath in Jessica fleshly body, and there is breath in my body, I will be praying for God's absolute will to be done. I will be praying that the Holy Spirit will be guiding Jessica out of the bond of slavery to Satan's lies and deceitfulness. There is nothing God cannot do. I will be praying that this is just a season in her life ... as with others ... drugs, whoring, drinking, etc ... then God calls them and they are used by Him to help others find the light. Please do not give up on Jessica ... I know it is heart wrenching ... I can't even imagine the heartache, but I do know this ... I can trust in God's promises ... I believe that God can restore Jessica back to Himself ... it takes faith and trust, and both can be very hard. God may be taking your family through a storm to test you as well ... give this heavy burden over to HIm, and pray, pray, pray without ceasing. Love you Gwenn and family. Diana