Let me acknowledge the very real loss of her absence.
Let me watch my parents as they bear their heartache with as much dignity as they can muster. Let me realize fully my inability to fill the void created in the absence of one they hold so unspeakably dear - the one child they created together. Let me watch them age before my eyes. Let me feel the helplessness to ease their pain. Let me wonder what the years ahead will hold, with my sister no longer a part of the picture of our lives.
Let me wrestle to steady my emotions as the uncertainty of her path hovers overhead.
Let me come to willing acceptance that I am not allowed to communicate with her until the time is designated that I may.
Let me force my heart to let go where I must.
Let me helplessly watch my (twin) sister fight the loneliness that so marks this season of her life, while now also holding back the waves of grief that thrash at her.
Let me feel the anger.
Let me feel the pain.
Let me feel nothing but apathy.
Let me grieve the life that we do not live alongside her.
Let me watch my boys grow, suffer, rejoice, fail and conquer in all those seasons of life and let me grieve in her absence during those seasons.
Let me long to share in the memories we won't make together.
Let me be frustrated and don't tell me that it could be worse.