As I reached the top of my hill tonight, my eyes caught sight of an eagle. It just hovered, in flight, not moving forward, nor getting pushed backward. It rode upon the wind with it's wings spread open wide, and I watched it for a long time. It made no forward progress, but it did not fall, either. It seemed like a strange parallel to where I find myself so often.
Lochlan is still struggling to regain his health and the battle is painstaking. It is a lot of very long nights and for the past two days he has had bad days as well. He seems to be making mild improvements tonight after we started implementing a regimen that his doctor recommended. Right now he's marinating in a hot epsom salt bath, so he's not complaining. :-)
This kid is such a challenge, but if you take the time to know him and let him bond with you, you will find (somewhat locked up inside still) this beautiful heart. He has so much joy and when he laughs it is impossible not to feel that joy. He rages a lot, but it is obvious that it is from the pain and I also believe it is from the frustration of all that remains locked inside. He loves fiercely and he receives love openly. Watching this sickness dampen his bright spirit is absolutely brutal.
Lochlan's weak little body is so painfully thin. Kelton is almost as tall as him and weighs more than him. He's plenty tall, but his thin frame reflects a body that does not appropriately absorb the nutrients it is given. It is THE HARDEST part of motherhood for me - watching my child suffer and without any obvious remedy.
I fight to find answers, I fight against what I can't change, I fight to make the path for him easier, I fight to understand WHY, I fight to submit to the unknown, I fight to walk forward when it is only darkness that I can see on the path ahead.
I must remember that eagle. I must hover on wings like eagles, I must run and not grow weary. And, sometimes - often - I must hover on the wind, making no clear progress in any direction, but simply waiting, watching, and not falling.