Thursday, October 26, 2023

Hover, but don't fall

As I reached the top of my hill tonight, my eyes caught sight of an eagle. It just hovered, in flight, not moving forward, nor getting pushed backward. It rode upon the wind with it's wings spread open wide, and I watched it for a long time. It made no forward progress, but it did not fall, either. It seemed like a strange parallel to where I find myself so often. 

Lochlan is still struggling to regain his health and the battle is painstaking. It is a lot of very long nights and for the past two days he has had bad days as well. He seems to be making mild improvements tonight after we started implementing a regimen that his doctor recommended. Right now he's marinating in a hot epsom salt bath, so he's not complaining. :-)

This kid is such a challenge, but if you take the time to know him and let him bond with you, you will find (somewhat locked up inside still) this beautiful heart. He has so much joy and when he laughs it is impossible not to feel that joy. He rages a lot, but it is obvious that it is from the pain and I also believe it is from the frustration of all that remains locked inside. He loves fiercely and he receives love openly. Watching this sickness dampen his bright spirit is absolutely brutal. 

Lochlan's weak little body is so painfully thin. Kelton is almost as tall as him and weighs more than him. He's plenty tall, but his thin frame reflects a body that does not appropriately absorb the nutrients it is given. It is THE HARDEST part of motherhood for me - watching my child suffer and without any obvious remedy. 

I fight to find answers, I fight against what I can't change, I fight to make the path for him easier, I fight to understand WHY, I fight to submit to the unknown, I fight to walk forward when it is only darkness that I can see on the path ahead. 

I must remember that eagle. I must hover on wings like eagles, I must run and not grow weary. And, sometimes - often - I must hover on the wind, making no clear progress in any direction, but simply waiting, watching, and not falling.



Monday, October 23, 2023

Oh Gosh, no. Not again.

"Oh Gosh, no. Not again." 

The lights came on throughout the house, again, and soon Lochlan was rummaging through the fridge, then laughing out loud, then going to the bathroom, then back to the fridge, and finally headed outside. He has been sick for several days with COVID - we've all had it again recently, but Lochlan's immune system is so compromised that he got it with a vengeance this time. He has a deep cough, insomnia and a plethora of intestinal issues. One night was endless vomit. Another was endless diarrhea (I'm STILL amazed that I know how to spell that word), then endless coughing. The past few nights it has been insomnia coupled with diarrhea and coughing. 

I can operate with less than 3 hours of sleep for about 3 days and still be functional. Day 4, 5, 6 and... I'm just less functional. As we sat with our tea for teatime this morning, tears just happened, involuntarily. I am surrounded by kindness and love from these men I call mine and I am very grateful. 

For the past few mornings, since I'm already awake, I've been escaping to ride my horse in the woods, before the household is fully stirred awake. It has been a sweet relief. I haven't been processing the myriad of thoughts in my cluttered head, like I usually do when I'm woods-bound. The fatigue has robbed me of that. The quiet of the woods, the golden leaves tumbling silently to the ground, and only the footfall of my horse and faithful dog following behind me... it filled my heart and restored so much that felt fractured. I wasn't any less tired for doing so, but somehow I was restored. 

Yesterday, my Auntie Ginger rode Devany while I walked (Fancy has a cough and wasn't really up to an outing yet). I was able to take her over by my hill and show her the wonder of all that can be seen from there. It was such a lovely time together and I'm so delighted that she was able to experience Devany. :-) 

Today, we fought our way through school because Lochlan simply didn't want to skip it. I could tell his mind was foggy and he probably didn't absorb a ton of it, but he persevered and seemed quite content with just accomplishing "something". I took him on a drive to get him out of the house - just the two of us. He sat in the front seat and said, "A date?" I told him "Yes, and I'm so happy you're my date!" He smiled and changed the music to another song. Then, another song, Then, another song... after about 10 changes, he landed on one that suited him, "Rusty Cage" by Johnny Cash. Tonight, Declan headed out the door to go to leave with Dad. Lochlan, ran to the door, opened it and yelled, "Declan, I love you!" followed by the "I love you" in sign language. Declan hopped back out of the car with a huge smile and Lochlan ran to him and folded himself for a "squeeze" (a huge bear hug from Declan). You can't hold onto these moments, except deep within your heart. They are the moments that give life, though. They are the moments that are gifted to us. They are the simple moments of profound beauty that give me joy immeasurable. 

So, it may be another sleepless night, but there is beauty in winter too. 

Wednesday, October 18, 2023

Golden forests beckon us...

Golden forests beckon us. 

We've had a difficult time ignoring the call these past many days. We rush through school and find ourselves wandering the forests of gold and green. The days have been unrealistically perfect. Oh, to bottle the memories, catch the wonder and hold it for the darker days that will find us. 

I am so thankful we are given seasons, to remind us that each season in life, too, is just that... a season. Winter does eventually have to give way to spring which captivates us with an abundance of new life. Spring must give way to summer which so often the season of adventure(s), when the new life from spring is given a chance to grow and prosper. Then, fall is upon us in golden glory and if we dare to blink it is gone as fast as it came. I find that I face winter with anticipation coupled with dread. Each season promises much and sometimes we are not prepared to face what it holds for us. 

Let me bask in the golden rays of today...