I've been thinking... a bunch. My considerations these past few days have been a blur of so many things, and it's really quite a jumble even inside my head, but I still feel the need to write, to record for my boys so that they remember. It's the details that we shelve (out of necessity, mostly) and forget as our hearts and minds age and juggle the stuff of life.
I got a nose diamond. I know about half of my readers will highly disapprove, but it is something I've wanted since I was a freshman in college and I'm very happy I did it. A dear friend of mine gave me a gift card for it and it was just the catalyst I needed to make the jump. My boys all love it and that is good enough for me! 💃
Lochlan is obsessed with Paddington. All things Paddington. The books, the movies, the audio books, the stuffed animals, just all of it. He spends copious hours drawing Paddington. That silly bear and his vacuum are usually frequent subjects in those drawings. In one of the movies, Paddington does some pretty fancy spy moves with his vacuum cleaner. Tonight, Lochlan spent over 2 hours looking up and watching vacuum reviews. 😂
The past couple of months have been grueling, for many reasons. I have felt the strain on my boys as my attention/time has been divided doing what my days absolutely require of me, trying to process the impossible and simultaneously wrestling with the guilt of what I can't do/be for them. Instead of expressing their frustrations with me, they have worked together to help clean up our house when I'm cleaning the Airbnbs, made dinner when they see my fatigue, taken turns cleaning the kitchen after dinners, entertained Lochlan when he's being a grizzly bear, and written me notes almost daily, encouraging me and quite honestly putting the wind into my sails.
Madigan and Kelton both have some kind of trauma from this past year. They cannot sleep if the wind is blowing, or if it is raining hard. They lie awake in a state of near-panic. I usually move them to the couch and put the Bose Speaker between them and turn on some kind of white noise to help drown out the sounds. Last night Madigan still couldn't sleep because he could hear the wind rattling the foam insulation we have in our broken window, so he put in some earplugs and was eventually able to sleep. It makes for some long nights because our weather has been stormy and wintry for many days. I keep praying that time will heal this trauma.
We've been reading The Count of Monte Cristo and it has been so poignant in many places:
- Life is a storm, my young friend. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when the storm comes.
- All human wisdom is contained in these two words -- wait and hope.
- It is the privilege of youth to believe and hope, but old men see death more clearly.