Thursday, May 15, 2025

I don't understand


There's a lot in this life I don't understand. If I spent too much time pondering it (all or in part) I think I would drive myself into either insanity or depression because I honestly highly doubt there are answers - at least answers that can be ascertained on this side of heaven. I don't understand why Lochlan has to suffer so endlessly and have so many disadvantages that others do not have; why can't I find answers? I don't understand how lifetime friends can extricate themselves from a friendship without explanation or clear provocation; that kind of pain leaves a unique wound. I don't understand death. I don't understand why maturity is so dang hard to attain; we (hopefully) spend whole lifetimes endeavoring to do so. I don't understand how pain can be so unceasing. I don't understand why I have to live so far away from so many people I care about so deeply. I don't understand how I can still miss Fancy as much today as I did 1 year ago when she passed away; that pain is far too intense and it seems like time should have healed the void more than it has. I don't understand wildfires; unfortunately, I have a pretty good understanding of their subsequent flooding, but I'd rather be less knowledgeable in that area. :-) 

And I don't understand goodness, kindness, generosity, selflessness, hope, strength inside of people that can change the world for unbelievable good, joy, laughter, the overwhelming beauty of this Creation, the comfort I find in the love of a great dog (or four), the paintings in the sky, or love. 

I'm not in search of answers to (most of) these things. There is one thing I do understand: my days are FILLED with wonder and I treasure the tiny details inside of my heart because they are mine to hold. If my memory fades with time and age, this is my written record, my way of holding onto those magical, potent and life-changing minute details. Kelton showing his puppy how to swim in the ice-cold creek water. Lochlan walking with his pillow (covered in sand and water) on top of his head down the entirety of the trail - such talent! Madigan out-walking me - those long legs serve him well! Declan's endless puns.... he's relentless and it's hilarious. The birds. The flowers. The tree blossoms. The wild lilacs blooming in the forest. The tiny fish trying to swim upstream. The pools of clear water. The canyon walls. The conversations with my boys. These nuggets from today are a reminder that I am rich. 































I am also still recovering from COVID, so off to bed. :-) 



Friday, May 09, 2025

Life and death can be precariously in the balance

 COVID hit us again this week. It always amazes me how draining it is to face day after day of sickness, even if I'm not the one who's sick. I am sick today after 8 days of holding onto health in spite of the 5 others in the household coughing and sneezing. Lochlan is incredibly generous with his germs, particularly right now as he licks his hands out of habit and then touches everything he can. It's a viral free-for-all! 



In spite of the current setback, we have still managed to accomplish a few things on the days when we were all feeling okay-ish. :-) And today, Kelton bounced out of bed, made everyone tea and then when he came to get me out of bed, he said, "Mom today is absolutely beautiful! You must get up! I feel boyhood in my bones!" He gets me every time. 

Our horses' front pasture has been de-rocked before, but after turning over the dirt and re-configuring the field a few times since our flooding in 2022, we had unearthed a lot more rocks. The flooding of 2022 deposited approximately 1,000,000 rocks, originally, so I felt pretty good about the "piddly" amount that remained to be removed. The actual task of removing them was daunting, as always, and it felt like a lot more when we were done. :-) Our horses will no doubt thank us profusely and will hopefully not get any more stone bruises. Next year, we'll rotate the horses onto our other pasture and my dream is to fill this pasture with green grass and wild flowers. 










The team was invaluable.... 



It was exhausting work... 




The gardens are coming together so much better than I ever expected. High altitude gardening is a huge experiment for me this year, but so far is it more rewarding than discouraging. We're almost finished getting the outside garden set up to move our babies from inside the house. 






We all find so much joy in these creatures that we belong to. Kelton's puppy, Togie Bear, is so attached to his boy. They are inseparable and two peas in a pod. The boy needed the dog and the dog needed the boy.

 










Two weeks ago I was checking out at Goodwill. The cashier is a brooding sort of fellow who seems to battle depression. I asked him how his day was going and he said grumpily, "Really, not very good." There was no one in line behind me so I asked him a follow up question. We talked for less than 5 minutes, and it was mostly just me asking him questions upon questions. Two days ago, I stopped in to see if I could pick up some candles. The same employee was outside on his lunch break, so I waved at him as I went into the store. A few minutes later, he found me in the candle section and directly asked, "Do you remember the conversation we had last week?" I told him, "Yes, I do." He went on: "I was planning to kill myself that night. I decided not to after that conversation." I was speechless. Eventually, I asked, "What about the conversation made you change your mind?" He said, "Because you cared. You saw me." I was overwhelmed by conviction in that moment. Every interaction is an opportunity.  

So, if I feel good enough to get out of bed tomorrow I will take the next step... :-)