Today I wasn't strong enough

The days since Lochlan's seizure have passed without further incident, much to my immense relief. I feel like most days are spent trying to keep him calm and most nights are spent trying to get him to sleep. Stay calm and get lots of sleep; that was the doctor's orders to help prevent further seizures. Sounds more simple than it actually is. 

He is fine, acting normal, and then something irritates him (it's not obvious what, why or how) and then he's instantly angry and tense. We have found that the best way to calm him is to take him for long hikes, so we are rapidly becoming a family of long-distance hikers. :-)  We've been going 7-9 miles each hike. Also, the hiking helps him to sleep so much better at night. 

On the most recent hike, Lochlan raged for over 2 hours before calming down. He was tossing his bag of popcorn into that air, at trees, at us, slamming into us as he ran by, kicking trees, yelling, screaming, throwing sticks, etc. After the first hour of the raging, my eyes just filled with tears; it's so hard to watch this struggle erupting inside of him and not be able to help him. I know the hiking is helping him. I know that loving him unconditionally is helping him. I know that all the incredible people he has working alongside him are helping him. I know that giving him resources and tools and skills is helping him. But, as his mom not REALLY being able to help him, take away his pain, make his life easier, not being able to replace his anger with joy in those moments... it's pure torture. I fight my own anger, I wrestle against the pain of what I cannot change, I try not to be overwhelmed by the exasperation. 

As we walked alongside Lochlan in those two hours, I found myself thinking, "Today, I'm not strong enough. I'm just not strong enough." 

I am so thankful I live at the base of these mountains. I am so thankful these 3 brothers love Lochlan so absolutely. I know that my life is rich. And the truth is, I'm not strong enough; but, I'm learning day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year that I don't have to be strong enough. I have to show up, I have to take the next step, I have to to climb the mountain(s) ahead one tiny step at a time, not in giant leaps. The dogged determination to stay in forward motion is most usually what is required. 

 

Wild days of March

In summary: 

 The Great Painter has been AT IT! 

All THREE of our horses have chosen to stop trying to commit suicide and instead they are happy and healthy! Miracles!!! 

I bought our old tiny house back (an amazing story which I will detail later) and it is home and finally in place. It will be my writing studio, quiet place to sleep, and a place where I can do school with the boys away from the hubbub of our adored one-bedroom house. Thank you to Austin and his dad, Mark, because without them this dream wouldn't have come true. 

The greenhouse is thriving. It literally infuses life into my soul to watch these seeds morph into REAL plants and then grow. I love it more than I can say. I'm slowly learning how to regulate the temp inside the greenhouse, just in time for another season to start. :-) 

We are making progress on the underground greenhouse as well, though it doesn't look like much now. Hold your horses... it will be amazing. :-) 

 

I've been stealing myself away to my hill even after the particularly long days, because the sunsets are absolutely addictive. 

And though the daytime hikes have been few and far between these past few weeks, they are as treasured as always. I simply haven't gotten enough of them. 

My favorite stump in the woods... I see a creative project coming. 

Da Boyz. 

After months of drought, the snow decided to come! So, we've taken up extreme sledding as a sport again. 

Lochlan is doing so incredibly well in school. Aunt Debbie is a wonder woman and this boy absorbs everything she instills in him. He has been going around singing the "bowel" song for the past few days. "A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y". :-) 

Togie Bear

Sheeze not nice, but sheeze great. I adore her. 

More snow antics... 

And teatime snuggles... 

On these cold winter days, we've made a lot of pumpkin bread and tea. 

One of my favorite baristas at Matador is a coffee artist and I love her creations. 

So... marching into tomorrow, I don't know what it will hold, but I know it will be full of activity and surprises, full of the wonderful and the impossible; because it always is.