Remarkable

 

Kelton has a favorite blanket - his "Mank" - which he keeps in the refrigerator. It's the blanket that he's had since he was born and he has difficulty sleeping without it. He likes to pull it out of the freezer at night, ice cold and snuggle into it. In the mornings I usually find him curled around it with the very tattered edges tucked into his chin. 

We were at a star party two nights ago and it was a little chilly as the sun left us and the stars began their night dance in the sky. Declan started shaking and I thought he was cold. He gave me his hands and said, "No, Mom, I'm not cold. Feel! I'm warm. I'm just so excited, I can hardly breathe! I got to see the rings of Saturn in the telescope!!! I just can't wrap my head around it. It's too wonderful!" My heart.... 

I was trying to make dinner when Lochlan came in, sat himself up on the counter top and grabbed for me. He wrapped my arms around him and pulled me as tightly as he could. He leaned his head into my chest and said, "Hold me". His smile. You know what? Let the bacon burn! 

I took the boys for a training hike (we're training for a backpacking trip that starts next week in CO) this past weekend, but Madigan wasn't able to go because his ankle was bothering him. When we got back from our almost 16 mile jaunt, we walked in to find hot tea, and biscotti ready for us. He even started a hot Epsom salt bath. 

Bitty Boo (Bumpy) is rough around all the edges but she has these soft parts about her which melt me. She doesn't want to snuggle, but she wants to be right next to me, and preferably touching. She's always bumping against me just to connect (hence the name Bumpy). She "nests" when we're just sitting in the woods, building herself little cleared out areas where she tries to fit herself for a nap. She knows when my immune system is ramped up for any reason and she won't leave my side if she senses that it is; she's my first clue when something might be amiss. 

My horse is wild - she just is. She's incredibly intelligent. And she's mine. We know each other and it makes for the most amazing partnership. I love everything about her. I love riding her. I love having conversations with her all throughout the day because she actually converses with me. I love her curiosity. I love when she tries to be independent, but ultimately chooses to obey. I love how she watches everything and misses nothing. I love that she comes into the house if the door is left ajar and helps herself to snacks. 

Aberdeen - the doggess that has my whole heart. She has the biggest paws and the biggest heart. Every interaction with every person is a social opportunity that must be appreciated fully. She is filled with a merry heart and that joy spills over to each of us. She understand Lochlan, and when we were sitting in church and he started to get anxious, she just sat up and laid her head in his lap. He instantly smiled, patted the top of her head and then put his face on hers. All anxiety dissipated. 

Its the tiny "remarkable" that I treasure in my heart. I know I will forget so many of the details that make this life unique, that bring color to black and white. I am not entitled to any of this which is wonder-filled, but I am deeply thankful for it.

Wilderness Essays

There is a rather well known quote: "Not all who wander are lost." Since moving back to the mountains over 8 years ago, I have found that I resonate with this idea more and more each passing year, month, day. I spend a great deal of time wandering, not just in the forests and meadows, mountains and valleys, but in the world of ideas and thinking. 

I wander in the high places because stress and exasperation often drive me to those places. I can be drowning in the fog of what I cannot change, of what feels impossible, and when I push myself to get even just to the top of my beloved hill, I suppose there is a chemical change that improves inside of me, but there is most definitely a mental shift by the time I reach my tree. I feel like someone has removed the fog, and given me eyes to see again. Sometimes, if I have extra time, I wander the surrounding hills looking for everything and nothing, treasures that may be hidden in the rocks, wildflowers, wild animals, or just the healing of quiet. In those moments of external wandering, my heart is renewed and my mind is refreshed.

In the past couple of years, I have found my wandering to be more essential to my well being and thus the well being of my whole family. The relentless challenges of raising, training, guiding Lochlan through life, from childhood into puberty contribute to what drives me. Probably the working out/through of the trauma that came from the 2022 events that tried to destroy our property and completely altered our lives has played it's role as well. Facing my blatant limitations in every real way, drives me to find my strength in something other than myself. 

I have been writing notes periodically during my times of wandering the hills, because it is in those places where my sight is restored, where clarity finds me. I have a jar buried beneath my tree where I keep my notes in case the boys ever wish to read the scattered wilderness essays. They are the essays written in the journey(s) of this life where the impossible is a persistent companion, but also in the wilderness in which I find my strength, where my hope is renewed, where beauty is the constant reminder that I am never alone. 

This little journal and the tiny painted picture of my tree were given to me by two of my beloved friends. They accompany me on most of my adventures.