"The Eryn"

 Love is impossible. 

The word "love" is the ultimate example of the failure of the English language. What does it mean? "I love you" is said with such ease, but true, real, honest love is something so complex, undoubtedly all languages fail it. 

"I love the mountains". No, I find wandering in the mountains, in God's creation, to be life-giving, restorative, building strength into every part of who I am. To say, "I love the mountains" is trite, incomplete, insufficient. 

Love. Oh the ways we love. 

A phone call - I'm thinking of you, I miss you, I care about you. 

An act of generosity, seen or unseen, known or hidden. 

A "no", because sometimes it is required. 

A visit from afar. 

The love of labor and hard work. 

Choosing to put down a beloved animal out of mercy. 

Prayer. 

Perseverance in trials. 

Faithfulness. 

The strong building up the weak. 

Sacrifice. 

Kindness. 

Courage to do what is right. 

The detailed ways that love is woven into the tapestry of my life astound me; it is beautiful color added where I least expect it. I am constantly surprised (and delighted!) by love. 

I have a long-term (for the past 8 years) friend(s) who has sent me little treasures over the years. I have literally NO IDEA who it is, but sometimes I open my mailbox to find a little black porcelain bear holding a sunflower, a Christmas candle, a handwoven throw, a shirt with an encouraging message, a new book, etc. And, literally every week I receive a breve latte coffee (or three) from Matador with the title "The Eryn" written on the cup. Aunt Debbie brings me one every week, neighbors stop by and drop one off, friends (from in town or out of town) pop over and bring one by, Allie brings one on her way over to give Lochlan speech therapy. It's a kindness, a personal touch of love that always means so incredibly much. And my Matador buddies love trying to figure out the mystery friends who ordered that morning. :-) 

There really isn't an exhaustive list for love. It's impossible to define. This world, the whole of humanity, is changed by love - Divine Love - whether or not it is seen, understood and/or recognized. 

Thick forest with many meadows

 I spent the day visiting the Grand Canyon with a beloved friend. It was a Monday and the boys didn't have tutoring so they had decided to spend the day getting caught up on their own projects. Aunt Teona was scheduled to spend time with Lochlan and take him to Occupational Therapy so I felt confident I could safely leave the house for a few hours. 

Lochlan had a day of amazing: he had a full day with lots of activities and was incredibly engaged and well behaved. Those days are happening more often, but they're not something we expect. Some days he wakes up smiling and ready to go. Other days he wakes up with dark circles underneath his eyes and we know immediately that the day will be an uphill climb. Often his health keeps him down but sometimes life just isn't what he woke up expecting and that can get the dysfunctional train rolling on a downward curve. 

My boys are incredibly adaptable, but for Lochlan change can be hard. He loves to travel and take adventures, but if you alter his routine at home it can be catastrophic. He loves to hike and explore, but if he gets worn out he doesn't know how to push past the fatigue; I'm coming to understand that this is learned skill. I think a lot of fully functioning young people and even adults do not actually known how to push past their own comfort and/or natural inclinations. Raising and training Lochlan breaks things down into such a rudimentary form that it gives me a window into others that I'm not sure I would have otherwise. To push past the discomfort of a tired leg muscle while climbing a hill, especially at high elevation... it's HARD and its a learned skill. Perhaps more importantly, it is a lesson for all of life.. 

I returned from my Grand Canon adventure in the late afternoon and Lochlan was still doing great. That evening, however, I looked over to where he was sitting on the couch and noticed that his hair looked different. Upon closer inspection I saw that he had pulled 20% of his hair out, leaving patches of bald glory. As Madigan stated: "Mom, we need to cut Lochlan's hair. He now has a thick forest with many meadows." So, we proceeded to cut all the remaining beautiful locks to a height that cannot be pulled out easily. It's incredibly sad, and terribly frustrating because we have no idea what inspired him to pursue a receding hairline. Hence, we have no real way of thwarting such decisions in the future. This is not the first time he's pulled his hair out, but it has been several years since the last episode. 

Alas... our adventure into the unknown territories continues. 

Legends

 

In a world torn apart by politics, differing beliefs, agendas, distrust, I see heroes who rise up from the shadows. The heroes I see are the heroes I know: my boys. True, their battle is on an isolated front, unique from the rest of the world, but they are fierce warriors in a battle of incredible importance. They are changing the world one life at a time, and I believe the effect of winning that war will be far greater than any political maneuver. 

We were exiting the cafe line at Sam's club. We hadn't purchased anything except our lunch, so we scampered through the checkout line ahead of some of the people with full baskets. By the time our train of humans had slithered through the line, the caboose inadvertently cut in front of a woman with a heaping basket of goods. She said disgustedly: "Excuse me!" Kelton immediately turned around and said, "Oh, I'm so so sorry. We didn't mean to be unkind." The previously grumpy lady visibly softened and said, "Oh, that's okay. What a polite young man! Go on ahead." When we got outside, I told Kelton that his response reflected so much kindness. He said: "Everyone matters." 

On our way home after a long hike, we made another Sam's Club lunch run (I promise, it's not all we eat) Declan spotted a man with a "Need Food" sign next to the stop sign. Without any hesitation, he asked me to pull off so that he could get out of the car. He ran his untouched lunch to the gentleman with the sign. As we drove away, the man was ravenously eating the pizza and I saw tears running down his cheeks. 

Madigan is about 6'2 now and when we go into stores, he blends in a little less. He is absolutely always the first to offer assistance to anyone he sees struggling to reach something, to carry something, to even walk around the store on aged limbs. He's always quiet, never drawing attention to himself, but there have been countless times where I turn around to find him missing from our herd and spot him helping someone in need. 

Someone came up to us in the grocery store last night and said, "I know you!" I replied, "I know you too! How do I know you?" She said, "I don't know, but I REMEMBER you!" We finally narrowed it down to a favorite coffee shop where she was our barista for a short season. She said, "I remember you all because we had some incredible conversations when you would come in for coffee. You all made me feel seen, like I had value. I was really struggling then and it mattered."

We have been taking Lochlan for some long hikes because he has been struggling. It has been an almost daily sacrifice for these brothers, but they are as committed to his well being as I am. Some days I can tell they are weary and I know that traipsing through the woods is not high on the wish list, but they do not EVER complain. We have shared incredible experiences on those trail adventures and this brother has a rich life because of the commitment to love, because of the care his brothers give to him. 

~ Ode to our recent adventures ~