The injustices in life can be brutal

 As we ambled through the waist-high ferns, I could only hear the rustling of the Aspen trees in addition to the sound of our foot steps. It was unadulterated stillness and beauty. The trail was saturated with the smell of the high mountain meadows which I can only presume to be a mingling of aspen leaves, wildflowers, pine needles and wild animals. I think I actually soaked those moments, smells, sounds into the marrow of my bones. 

Lochlan had been having a rough day and was rapidly winding himself into something I fear and will avoid at all cost. I knew a long hike was in order, so I rallied the two older boys to set off on an unknown (to us) trail with me and Lochlan. At the end of our 11 mile trek, Lochlan was calmer and seemed to have wandered successfully through his valley of darkness. 

Sometimes it feels like life beats us into a pulp; restoration can be costly and slow and also so incredibly profound. In the tiny things that tear us apart from the inside and the monumental things that try to destroy us, the process of restoration changes us. The injustices in life are frankly brutal: being misunderstood, receiving a life threatening diagnosis, watching the flower of life wilt and fade, understanding disappointment in all the ways that matter, living through loss, facing the horror of fear, letting go, choosing love, knowing perseverance, forgiveness in all that it is and means... 

I wish I could usher these boys/men into a life that wasn't messy. I resign myself to guiding them onto paths that I know to be sure, helping them to not fear failure but face it and learn from it, teaching them about the strength that they do not know they have yet because it comes from beyond themselves. I hope I am able to teach them to SEE the beauty even in the darkness. I want them to understand that the mountains lie ahead for each of us; taking the next step is sometimes all that is required. Ultimately I trust them into the care of a much higher being than myself. 

I find so much in these wild places - and I am restored. Slowly. Piece by tiny piece. Time and again. 

Dawn comes early

Darkness has descended - 8:50 PM. I could have readily climbed into bed at least 2 hours ago and easily fallen asleep. I look back on this day (and every day) and it is mind boggling how much transpires in just 16 hours. I awoke at almost 5:00 because the sun merrily beckoned me to do so. I watered my blueberry plants at 5:15 AM and I stopped working about 10 minutes ago. I could list everything I did but the sheer monotony in such a list discourages me from doing so. :-) Suffice to say, I put in 13,000 steps and I didn't get a hike in today. I don't have a fingerprint on any of my fingers because I wear them off each day. 

I was watering the big garden this evening as the sun was setting and it was easy to revel in the quiet, the colorful sky, the little plants so determined to live and grow. By attaching a small pump to my rain water tank outside the house, we're now able to utilize the 3500 gallons we've collected from the past winter. That feels resourceful and I'm ridiculously excited. So, grow plants, GROW!

As I folded the three loads of laundry tonight, I found 5 matched pairs of socks and 7 unmatched socks. Yet... it is an improvement! The boys are getting closer and closer to getting their socks into the laundry basket when they remove them off their dirty feet. History would tell a different story, so this calls for much rejoicing! 

Sometimes, the work in each day feels like a lot. A clone would help. Too often I'm so weary by the time I climb into bed that I don't have a lot of brain energy for processing the happenings of my day. Yet, this life is fulfilling. I TRY to use well the time I'm given, and I succeed and fail remarkably. Admittedly, my kids are probably not the cleanest ones going to bed tonight. My windowsills are covered in dirt. The horses' stalls need attention. I have two loads of laundry waiting to be washed, plus one already in the washer and one in the dryer. I've got trees I need to water (tomorrow!). I owe way too many people phone calls or letters; please don't ask about the state of my voicemail. The weeds have the upper hand. I have bills waiting to be paid. I'm behind on basically everything. My cabinets are not organized the way they probably could be; I tell myself that's because my space is extraordinarily limited, but... 

My list of must-do things seems to grow larger each day, but I'm going to start including on that list a few of the non-essentials: practice my piano, ride my horse, snuggle with humans I adore, whisper sweet nothings to Aberdeen because she loves it, and listen to great music by candlelight in the darkness. I've been challenging myself to read books that are less entertaining and more substantial in content and though it is more difficult to read when I'm tired I can tell that it has been beneficial. I'll keep pushing forward on that personal challenge. 

Life is hard. Life is heartbreaking. Life is arduous. Life is lonely in so many ways. 

Life is astoundingly beautiful and I am in awe in the living of it.