Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Journey out

"Mommy, when Paugie, Jevy, Kelty and I grow up to be people, we're going to journey out to find mamas for our babies."

"I cannot find my other shoe. It has gone missing. So many things disappear around me. It's as if there is a black hole. I think there's a black hole." Because putting things away in their proper places(s) is overrated.

"Mama, I think you realize I'm a very capable man." It's no secret.

After instructing him to stay in the car while I ran upstairs to grab my teacup, I heard him coming up the steps into the house. As I rushed out the door to greet him in a fury of exasperation, he innocently asked, "Mommy, are you okay? I was worried about you!" "Madigan, I'm fine. Why did you ignore what I told you to do?" "Oh, Mama, if you only knew how much I cared [about you], you would understand why I have to disobey." Genius naughtiness.

Following a particularly challenging cold: "Mama, I need another breathing treatment." "No, honey, you are breathing fine." "I know that I'm breathing normally, but I would like to breathe exceptionally." Noted.

"Paugie, I need you to get that train track for me." Demand met with predictable resistance. "Paugie, I need you to serve me." Mommy intervention: "Madigan, that's not how it works. You cannot command Paugie to serve you." "But, Mommy, God tells us that we are to serve one another. So, Paugie needs to serve me." "Son, your reasoning is astounding. We should endeavor to serve others, as we have the opportunity and are able, but we do not command service from others." "Oh. Okay. Mommy, can you please get the train track for me?" 

"Paugie, if you don't help me pick up these toys, you will not be able to hear a story tonight." Mommy intervention: "Madigan, that is not for you to say. You are not Paugie's parent." "Mommy, I want to be a parent." "And someday you probably will be a parent, but right now you are a brother." "I would like to be Paugie's parent right now." That, dear boy, is obvious.

"Kelton, I'm your big brother who loves you. You're the most precious boy I've ever known."

My tiger, you astound me. Your passionate nature extends into every facet of your being, giving you the capacity to understand things profoundly, to feel things acutely, to put your whole heart into every action and interaction with others. You throw yourself into every venture (positive and/or negative) without reservation, holding nothing back. You lead your brothers into unceasing happy adventures, and sometimes a great deal of trouble. If you see an obstacle to the "plan" you have set before yourself (at any given moment), you will always overcome it, with or without supervision/permission. This is often done to my chagrin, but more often to my amazement and with my deep admiration. You have a solution for every problem and, though you sometimes don't carefully think through the possible ramifications of your solution, you take action immediately and resolve any unexpected challenges with boldness/confidence. Your deep sensitivity is often missed by others as they encounter the force of your very being, but I see it in so many ways. Each day, I see how you care for your brothers so tenderly and carefully, the caution you take in preventing anyone from getting hurt, the joy you express when you see happiness brought to others, the grief you feel when Ankie Tae goes home after a visit to see us. It brings me unceasing delight to see the man inside of you that you are daily becoming.  

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Heart, soul and body

I don't want to be the German living downwind of the death camp, pretending I don't know what's going on. Atrocities against humankind are not a new phenomenon, though the selling of baby parts takes us to a new low. Perhaps (personal) guilt makes us, as a people, turn a blind eye to the barbaric crimes against infants, or perhaps it is our own pain that has made us forget what it means to be a human with rights (starting with the right to live).

I hear the cry of the mother who has lost her child, who grieves the void created by separation and who anguishes in the guilt of her decision. I know that for every child whose life is snuffed out (in the brutal haste that we refer to as safe, legal abortion), there is a woman - a mother. I have seen His faithful restoration of the heart that is broken by the choices made in panic, haste, terror or out of the justification of convenience. Nothing has shown me more clearly the unconditional love He has for each of us.

I implore you - humans, children, fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters - to open your eyes, to no longer remain silent. Tell your story. Speak - for yourself, for the broken hearted, for the lost generations who are no more and for those who are yet to come. You - we - have a voice and have the ability to change the future, to stop justifying our crimes against humanity. After I watched the 7th episode of Human Capital, I held Kelton up to my chest, savoring his breath, and clutching him tightly. I found myself longing to hold the tiny, unwanted person(s) whose most fundamental right was denied them and whose human dignity was brutally ignored.

Monday, August 03, 2015

Butter on my cheesecake

You came flying into my arms 4 years ago and you haven't stopped amazing me since that first moment when I laid eyes on you. Watching you gallop into year four takes my breath away because the remarkable passing of time (Ahhh, these countless sweet moments that make up each day...) is excruciating, and also because it is BEAUTIFUL to see you becoming all that you were created to become! I know that I'm walking beside you now, holding your hand when you need me to, kissing your hurts, wiping your tears, holding you as tightly as I can - and I know that someday I'll walk behind you, cheering you forward, praying for you unceasingly, as you step fully into manhood, and embrace all that you are intended to be. I love you my Paugie boy. 

Tonight as you ate your (specially requested) cheesecake, you looked up and asked for some butter to go on top. When I questioned your desire, you assured me in earnest that butter was the perfect topping for cheesecake. Who am I to argue? You're the birthday boy!