The potency of loneliness

 We all feel lonely. I don't think anyone is ever untouched by it. 

I've been doing my own observational study on the idea, the reality, the very life of loneliness. I see people all around me - some with lives full of activities and people, some with quiet, almost isolated lives, some with lives marked by chaos, some in large cities, some in the middle of nowhere. There is no dominant feature that orchestrates loneliness in a human being. 

I met a solo hiker going down the Grand Canyon - he was alone, but I don't' think he was lonely. He engaged with several hikers along the way and he had such a merry heart. He was so filled with joy and his revelry in the beauty of that place was infectious. 

I see Lochlan, surrounded by a family, a band of bros, who love him and build into him almost every moment of every day. Yet, I know he is lonely, locked inside himself. I think it contributes to his almost constant frustration. If I could set him free... 

I see the loneliness inside of a marriage - two people who live alongside one another but in very separate lives. Even if the two are united in purpose, in ideas, in the daily workings of what makes life happen, they can still find themselves with a sense of aloneness. 

I see loneliness in the single life. Even with resolute and genuine contentment with one's "station in life" there can be the dull ache of being alone in all the important or minuscule ways. 

Sometimes I feel alone because trying to find answers for my child is such a seemingly endless road. When no clear answers can be found, day after day, month after month, year after year, I start to feel like I'm walking on the road of darkness and mystery by myself with no definitive end. 

We look at loneliness as a bad thing - and it can be, for sure; it's probably not a state in which we should any of us persist indefinitely. Yet, I also see how loneliness can play it's part in shaping whom we become. It can build into us appreciation, awareness, kindness, compassion and even a brokenness that can lead us to the right kind of strength. It can give us eyes to see.

It is through my own loneliness in all the various seasons of this life that I have come to understand that I am not ever truly alone. Like my imperfect tree with the lightning strike scar running down the side, I have to face the incoming storms; yet, if I look around, I am not alone. 

I'm chuckin' my peanuts and hoping for the best

Golly, this life. 

How. Are. We. Supposed. To. Do. It? 

With the encouragement of Lochlan's therapists, we decided to take a road trip to see Auntie Susan and Uncle Barry in Nashville. It is impossible for me to summarize the challenges we are facing right now with Lochlan. It is the most challenging time of his life, aside from the 11 months when he threw his feces. If I could describe it in one word, it would be: destruction. It is the destruction of everything; absolutely everything is fair game. It's a live game for all the waking hours of day and night. There is little to no reprieve and adrenaline is my constant companion. I've lost so many things I once cared about and if living in a one room house hasn't trained me to hold material things loosely, this season has. The behavior has been accompanied by copious hours of raging/screaming which takes a toll on our already frayed nerves. It has left none of us untouched, and watching the other boys battle against the repercussions has been the hardest part for me. I wish I could protect them and shield them and usher in the peace in life that I know they would benefit from. My own limitations make me angry, sad, exasperated. So... in all of this, we are trying anything and everything we can to change his current trajectory and give him a new line of sight. Hence, the spontaneous road trip. 

 Susan and I haven't seen one another for over 5 years and an entire lifetime has been lived in the interim. We have both come to know suffering as well as a strength that is not our own, and we have both faced the impossible, but we have been forced to do it apart from one another. During our 7 years in Nashville, Susan became to me more than the best kind of friend; she became a kindred spirit, a sister, a mentor and the person I have grown to lean on in all the ways. Watching her suffer from such a vast distance has been utterly excruciating. Being with her for all too short a time was life-giving. She and Barry were incredibly gracious about the almost non-stop antics of Lochlan and they gave us peace in the midst of insanity. They filled us with joy in our weariness and they reminded us why life is so much better when it is shared, through the trials and through the best of times. 

On our return trip, we dropped down to Austin for a couple days. It was so good to have a little time to spend there, even if it was all-too-brief and all-too-stressful. I was unable to see basically everybody because I could not leave the house with Lochlan. I keep telling myself that this season will end - someday - and I will have a life again. Right??? So, to all of you whom I wasn't able to see, I love you, miss you and hope you can come see me. :-) 

Sleep has mostly alluded me for the past many weeks. I've had a couple of really good nights which have gone far to revive me. One night, I texted Krista at 2:09. 

I went to bed at 10:30

11:00 Paisley had diarrhea 

11:35 Lochlan started laughing

12:10 Lochlan, still laughing, chucked a hard suitcase over the 3/4 walls... scared the absolute daylights out of me

12:45 Lochlan finally asleep

1:00 Kelton came out to try to crawl into bed next to me because he had a nightmare 

1:30 Kelton came back out to try to crawl into bed because Madigan was snoring

2:00 Paisley threw up again. 

2:07 Winston had diarrhea

It's now 2:08. Winston and Paisley are outside where they can't stay because they'll bark and wake up the neighbors. We will be up at 4:00 as Kris is about to head to the airport for a week in Boston. 

Lochlan woke up at 5:00. 

We had few noteworthy casualties on the actual driving part of our journey except for Lochlan's Yeti cup which he chucked out the window when we had rolled it down to let in some fresh air following a particularly horrible fart. We lost the left shoe from his #1 pair as it was tossed violently into a waterfall and we lost the right shoe from his #2 pair as it went airborne into a lake. At one point while Krista and I were running errands, Lochlan chucked an entire container of peanuts at the windshield spilling peanuts into the ventilation system and all over the dash. A little later when I decided to grab a coffee, Lochlan was highly put out that I didn't treat him accordingly. So, I start singing random ditties like: 

"I'm chuckin' my peanuts, 

Waitin' on my coffee, 

Mom is makin' the cuts

And it's no cup o' Joe for me." 

I sang such themed ditties for over 30 minutes and his face went from seething irritation to a mild smirk. I even heard him giggle at a few. His grasp of language is so encouraging! And yes... I was probably on the edge of something less-than-sanity, but alas. 

And, in summary, while we were traveling, we stopped at a Costco for dinner one evening. We were pretty travel weary, so I had the boys exit the car and go to the potty while I ordered. I waited for them outside the bathroom, where an employee was changing out the trash bag on the trashcan. As they came waltzing out, Declan had Lochlan in tow, Lochlan walked right next to the employee, leaned over as quick as lightning and gave the man a hearty lick behind the ear. The guy turned around and Declan said, "Sorry about that!" The guy said, "Nah man, that's cool." I was instantly doubled over laughing. As we quickly exited, I said, "I'm sorry, he's autistic." Again, "Oh, it's cool." Bet you haven't been licked today... behind your ear... by a random stranger. 😜

Now, we must carry on. Take the next step. And so we shall. 

The Terrible Beautiful

As I walked in to wait by the pool for the boys' swim lessons to begin, I noticed a couple walking arm in arm around the pool, exercising together. It caught my attention because of the affection and love on the man's face as he looked down on the person who was clearly his bride. I didn't immediately notice that his lady was walking with a distinct limp and that her inside arm was hanging by her side, clearly the result of some kind of injury. They walked together like this throughout my time there; he talked to her, smiled at her and led her. She was concentrating very hard on where to place her feet each step. When they got out of the pool, they came to fetch their towels near where I was sitting. He started talking with me and I told him that their love story was beautiful to watch in action. He teared up and said, "she's my bride. We've been together since we were too young to be together. Last year she had a stroke and it's hard for her to walk without tripping and falling, so we come to the pool to walk together." My heart... what a beautiful display of love, in all it's agony. The terrible beautiful. 

Each day is a gift. Sometimes, I think we actually realize it. 

Each morning for the past many weeks and hopefully for the next several months, we wake up to the sound of large equipment outside our house. The county has put together and is putting into action an incredibly large plan to create mitigation for the future flood waters coming off the mountain. In 2022, after the two wildfires, the natural alluvial fan in the forests above us were destroyed. Those alluvial fans had for centuries spread out the water coming off the mountains during monsoons so that by the time it got to our neighborhood downstream, it was unnoticeable. When the fire destroyed the natural fan, our neighborhood became the fan, with our property lying in the center of the main water flow. The county has been rebuilding a 40 acre alluvial fan in the forest above us. Now, they're building a huge canyon that runs from the new alluvial fan all the way to the large retention area below our neighborhood. It will run from the west end of our property to the east end. They will place a 10' culvert inside that canyon, and then cover it. The county has had to procure easements from so many property owners and it has been a fight with a few; those who were virtually unaffected by the flooding had less motivation to comply. In addition, the county is filling in our grand canyon for us and replacing it with a 2' deep, 20' wide water course that will serve as an overflow channel in case we get a storm that is larger than the capacity of the culvert. This whole project is an incredible undertaking and I cannot tell you how grateful I am that it is happening. Our future absolutely depends on it. Many of us shed tears when the first of the big equipment rolled in to begin the project. It's beauty from ashes for us. The terrible beautiful. 

When Devany was born, I did not realize all that she would become for this family. She is not only the foal of my beloved Fancy, but she is the most delightful riding horse I have ever had. I love her curious personality, the way she talks to me all day long, how she recognizes my car(s) and nickers when she sees me, but mostly I love the way she takes care of my kids. Lochlan shows tremendous improvement when he rides the horses and we can take him from raging to laughing by just putting him on their backs. Devany is infinitely patient with him. Sometimes, when he is riding double with one of his brothers, he will kick her directly in her flank, or slide off her hind end or scream out of nowhere. She is completely unphased. She is an incredible gift that I didn't know I needed. Lochlan was not even born yet when Devany came into the world that cold Tennessee morning. I was the first one to touch her, and when I pulled the birthing sac off of her, I saw that little lighting strike mark on her forehead and I knew she was special. I just didn't know how special! How I need her! The terrible beautiful. 

I've been watching a friend from afar navigate the incredible challenge of taking care of her parents as they age into the years when they can no longer care for themselves safely. They still expect their independence and yet to grant their independence would be cruel. It is a reality that we may face the time when our bodies become weak and our minds no longer work as they should; then, we become dependent upon others again as we were in our infancy. Losing one's independence is not unlike a person who has sight and then becomes blind. And for the caretaker, this is a whole different kind of impossible. It is love in one of it's purest forms. Again, the terrible beautiful.