Monday, October 23, 2023

Oh Gosh, no. Not again.

"Oh Gosh, no. Not again." 

The lights came on throughout the house, again, and soon Lochlan was rummaging through the fridge, then laughing out loud, then going to the bathroom, then back to the fridge, and finally headed outside. He has been sick for several days with COVID - we've all had it again recently, but Lochlan's immune system is so compromised that he got it with a vengeance this time. He has a deep cough, insomnia and a plethora of intestinal issues. One night was endless vomit. Another was endless diarrhea (I'm STILL amazed that I know how to spell that word), then endless coughing. The past few nights it has been insomnia coupled with diarrhea and coughing. 

I can operate with less than 3 hours of sleep for about 3 days and still be functional. Day 4, 5, 6 and... I'm just less functional. As we sat with our tea for teatime this morning, tears just happened, involuntarily. I am surrounded by kindness and love from these men I call mine and I am very grateful. 

For the past few mornings, since I'm already awake, I've been escaping to ride my horse in the woods, before the household is fully stirred awake. It has been a sweet relief. I haven't been processing the myriad of thoughts in my cluttered head, like I usually do when I'm woods-bound. The fatigue has robbed me of that. The quiet of the woods, the golden leaves tumbling silently to the ground, and only the footfall of my horse and faithful dog following behind me... it filled my heart and restored so much that felt fractured. I wasn't any less tired for doing so, but somehow I was restored. 

Yesterday, my Auntie Ginger rode Devany while I walked (Fancy has a cough and wasn't really up to an outing yet). I was able to take her over by my hill and show her the wonder of all that can be seen from there. It was such a lovely time together and I'm so delighted that she was able to experience Devany. :-) 

Today, we fought our way through school because Lochlan simply didn't want to skip it. I could tell his mind was foggy and he probably didn't absorb a ton of it, but he persevered and seemed quite content with just accomplishing "something". I took him on a drive to get him out of the house - just the two of us. He sat in the front seat and said, "A date?" I told him "Yes, and I'm so happy you're my date!" He smiled and changed the music to another song. Then, another song, Then, another song... after about 10 changes, he landed on one that suited him, "Rusty Cage" by Johnny Cash. Tonight, Declan headed out the door to go to leave with Dad. Lochlan, ran to the door, opened it and yelled, "Declan, I love you!" followed by the "I love you" in sign language. Declan hopped back out of the car with a huge smile and Lochlan ran to him and folded himself for a "squeeze" (a huge bear hug from Declan). You can't hold onto these moments, except deep within your heart. They are the moments that give life, though. They are the moments that are gifted to us. They are the simple moments of profound beauty that give me joy immeasurable. 

So, it may be another sleepless night, but there is beauty in winter too. 

No comments: