Friday, March 01, 2024

Better to light a candle...

It took about 24 hours. 

I loaded D and K into the truck and we headed to Durango for a couple of ski days with Ankie Tae. By the time we arrived, we were all tired. We tucked ourselves into the cabin we rented and put ourselves to bed early. Yesterday the three of them headed for the slopes and I wandered with my dog. We explored snow-packed trails and familiarized ourselves with the Purgatory Resort. I tried at least 8 times to sit and write out my thoughts, but my brain felt cloudy and tired. I didn't know what to do with the time I had available to me. Then, last night, I slept completely through the night - the first time in at least 6 months. 

This morning, the bright morning light reflected my own well being. I know exactly what I want to do with the time I have available for the next couple days. Upon reflection, it is incredible how deeply weary I become day after day, week after week, month after month, without even realizing it. I am constantly "on", even in my sleep; it's my normal responsibilities and duties coupled with constantly countering Lochlan's antics, being always prepared for his night-time adventures, searching for answers (if not to his condition, then to his latest challenging activities) and the relentless toll of trying to live peaceably with his numerous challenges in a world that does not embrace or support what it does not understand. 

I suppose that is why wandering in the wild places is so pivotal in my life. And even though they are brief, it is those moments of "freedom" which help restore - freedom from responsibility, from expectations, freedom for thought, freedom to absorb the beauty, to reflect upon the Creator of that beauty and even freedom to just set it all down. This season of my life is not a season of rest. It is a season of perseverance, it is a season to fight (daily) for answers for my boy who is locked up inside himself, it is season to love these incredible boys in all the wonderful and impossible ways, it is a season to yield my own hopes and dreams to the One I trust with the plan for my life. If rest (in all its facets) eludes me for the remainder of my life, so be it. 

I will take the next step. 

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