Wednesday, December 21, 2016

apparent, raw and ugly

My night after writing my previous blog entry "put to the test" my thoughts/plans/desires. 

Summary: I put kids to bed. I'm alone, as George is in Scottsdale taking care of some work deadlines. They are all asleep. I go to bed at 10:00, but Jevy and Kelty both have poops. Change poops. Go to bed. Kelty starts coughing so badly, it wakes him up and he starts crying. Can't go back to sleep. Jevy hot, wakes up, wanders around. Both go back to sleep. Paugie wakes up and wants milk. Cries when I say no. Wakes up Jevy again. Jevy stomps on floor for 20 minutes. Goes back to sleep. Kelty coughs so hard he throws up. Kelty crying again. Jevy coughs so hard he chokes and wakes back up. All go back to sleep. Kelty cold, wakes up. Back to sleep. Madigan coughs so hard he wakes up and starts talking. I shhhh him and he goes back to sleep. Jevy cold, wakes up, goes to see Christmas lights, then back to bed and finally asleep again. Coyotes start kill call in front yard. Sabina freaks, and won't stop barking. Kelty wakes up again from coughing and dog barking. Kelty back to sleep. It's now 5:00. I can't sleep. Jevy wakes up and vomits. This doesn't feel right... pretty sure this is something bigger. Stomach virus? All I can do is wonder what on earth I'm going to do about their coughs (the boys have had this cough since we left Nashville; they've had two rounds of antibiotic, but to no avail and the doctors really have no idea.), and how am I going to clean up the throw up on their bedding when I'm not supposed to use the washing machine (solar powered house in cloudy weather). Jevy throws up thirteen times throughout today. At 3:00 pm George returns bringing Gatorade. Jevy finally starts to re-hydrate... perhaps he's going to keep this down? Nope, just kidding. #14 vomit: check.

I stomped and screamed at God after the 11th vomit which poured down my shirt and pants and into my new house shoes. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING???????????? I'M TIRED! I'M DONE! I CAN'T FIND THE SUNSHINE! ANSWERS WOULD GO SO FAR AT THIS POINT!" Then, I apologized. 

I realize that I keep looking for light at the end of the tunnel. I get hopeful because I see it! Then, I realize that it's not light... It's water funneling toward me, filling the tunnel with what feels like the very real threat of drowning me. So, the door that I thought was leading us out really feels more like a trap. And I have to run again, in the darkness for all I'm worth, to keep from drowning, to keep my people okay. Searching for another opening, a light leading the way forward. 

My weakness is highly apparent at present and it's raw and ugly. 

1 comment:

teona said...

It's good medicine for you to blog. Being on the receiving end, it is a bitter tonic indeed. My heart aches for you my dear niece. I hate not being able to help you! You are strong! You probably don't feel like it at this time....But you and yours will get thru this!! You will!!!!!!
I love you so much!!!!