Lochlan screamed and cried for several hours yesterday afternoon. He struggled through school, worked incredibly hard through speech therapy, then fell apart. We spent a lot of time cuddling most of the evening yesterday, but between cuddles he was just angry. It's impossible to console him, or distract him when he's completely unwound like that. I think he hurts, and it makes him angry.
Why can't I find THE answer to help him? He has been doing so well for months, after a 90 day gut cleanse that we put him on. I was giving him restorative probiotics following the cleanse and he hasn't had any noticeable fixations for weeks. Then, he got COVID and developed a UTI, bronchial infection and sinus infection simultaneously, so we had to resort to antibiotics. Now, we're back to square one. And he's still fighting a UTI.
He slept part of the night, but he's restless and active for much of the night. When I awoke for the fourth time this morning a 5:00, I just decided to stay awake because it's easier than being woken up again and again from needed sleep. I wanted to go hike my hill but it was still too dark. When the tension of what I cannot change mounts and is coupled with the lack of sleep, it feels like it could tear me apart inside. If I'm able to go my hill, I pray, cry, and somehow I'm able to let it go and find peace that passes understanding.
It's my burden to carry, and I cannot change it. Facing that reality time and again is what I struggle with the most. The daily grind is not what I find impossible... it's what I cannot change that I find impossible. It's not being able to take away Lochlan's pain. It's not being able to see him thrive. It's knowing there is so much locked inside of him that I don't have the key to unlock. I must keep fighting for answers, even if there are a million answers and even more ways to find them.
I don't know what today will hold or what tomorrow will allow, but I know that the strength I need to face it will be given to me.
Someone sent me this sweatshirt anonymously...
Now...it's time to deal with that diarrhea.