We're out of paper towels

We're out of paper towels. There's dog diarrhea on the floor and I'm just staring at it because I don't want to pick it up and I don't have any more paper towels. I guess it'll just have to stay there, for now. 

Lochlan screamed and cried for several hours yesterday afternoon. He struggled through school, worked incredibly hard through speech therapy, then fell apart. We spent a lot of time cuddling most of the evening yesterday, but between cuddles he was just angry. It's impossible to console him, or distract him when he's completely unwound like that. I think he hurts, and it makes him angry. 

Why can't I find THE answer to help him? He has been doing so well for months, after a 90 day gut cleanse that we put him on. I was giving him restorative probiotics following the cleanse and he hasn't had any noticeable fixations for weeks. Then, he got COVID and developed a UTI, bronchial infection and sinus infection simultaneously, so we had to resort to antibiotics. Now, we're back to square one. And he's still fighting a UTI. 

He slept part of the night, but he's restless and active for much of the night. When I awoke for the fourth time this morning a 5:00, I just decided to stay awake because it's easier than being woken up again and again from needed sleep. I wanted to go hike my hill but it was still too dark. When the tension of what I cannot change mounts and is coupled with the lack of sleep, it feels like it could tear me apart inside. If I'm able to go my hill, I pray, cry, and somehow I'm able to let it go and find peace that passes understanding.

It's my burden to carry, and I cannot change it. Facing that reality time and again is what I struggle with the most. The daily grind is not what I find impossible... it's what I cannot change that I find impossible. It's not being able to take away Lochlan's pain. It's not being able to see him thrive. It's knowing there is so much locked inside of him that I don't have the key to unlock. I must keep fighting for answers, even if there are a million answers and even more ways to find them. 

I don't know what today will hold or what tomorrow will allow, but I know that the strength I need to face it will be given to me. 

Someone sent me this sweatshirt anonymously... 

Now...it's time to deal with that diarrhea.