Thursday, July 12, 2012

If you don't believe in hell...

then you should consider flying with infants.

Nashville to Atlanta (for 1.5 hour layover): 
7:00am flight. Security a breeze. Both babies pretty well behaved for 1 hour flight. Parents feeling (falsely) confident about the remainder of the journey.

Atlanta to Phoenix: (4 hour flight)
Manage to fold down the double stroller, get Madigan on his feet, Declan into my arms while Daddy's hands remain completely tied up with carseat, carry-on suitcase and diaper bag (yeah, he's a super-Dad). Daddy had been thoughtful enough to get me a milkshake before boarding the plane. So, with Declan and bottle of milk in one hand, milkshake in the other, I prepare to enter the plane, requesting for Madigan to follow behind me. When he panics about crossing the "opening" between the plane and the gate, I quickly re-maneuver the milkshake to the Declan/bottle hand so that I can hold Madigan's hand with the other. Upon entering the plane, Declan dramatically removes the straw from milkshake and showers the front row of first class seating. As we make our way SLOWLY down the aisle to the very back row, a kind gentleman starts talking to Declan, playing with his toes and fingers. Declan unabashedly reaches for the man's glasses and removes them from his face. I wrangle the milkshake-smudged glasses from Declan's grasp and return them apologetically and we make our way successfully to our seats. Declan immediately starts wailing and throwing himself about like a wild man, hitting his head on the seat in front of us, the window next to us, or his brother's carseat - planes aren't known for their roomy quarters. Once in the air, Daddy stands up in the back of the plane and rocks D for 1 hour until he finally falls asleep, much to our relief. The sweet respite lasts 15 minutes, when the captain comes on with an announcement, forever breaking the reverie. Daddy, again, stands up and rocks D for another 2 hours. The wee tike never manages to fall back to sleep, but he certainly succeeds in giving Daddy a thorough workout.

The following day, Declan came down with a severe case of Roseola and was sick for 5+ days with a high fever and rash.

Return To Nashville (1 week later)
Phoenix to Minneapolis (4 hour flight. 3.5 hour layover)
Daddy can't find his wallet so we race to the airport to "reason" with the TSA agents to let us through. We are providentially assigned a very kind agent who accepts various forms of ID I have in my wallet for Kris, like insurance cards. We prepare to board our plane and are again assigned to the very back row (family seating). The obvious advantage is that the screaming from our row only affects the 10 rows directly in front of us, rather than the entire plane. The disadvantage is that there are no windows on our row, making it unsuitable for the claustrophobic. Declan fusses for the first 1.5 hours, but then finally lays his head on my shoulder and through various bouts of screaming, falls asleep. The Tiger gets unleashed... we're not sure how it happened, but somebody definitely didn't tame that Tiger before starting this journey. He tries every naughty behavior he can conjure up, knowing that there is really nothing we can do. He uses his loudest voice to make demands, smacks at Declan, kicks the seat in front of him, opens, shuts and re-opens the tray attached to the seatback, claws at Daddy to get him out of the carseat, cries about every missed opportunity to get his way, tosses his milk bottle, and manipulates his weary parents into exhaustion. I briefly think to myself, "how sad that someone would allow their child to be that ill-behaved." Somehow, it makes my own reality less personally aggravating. We finally land and almost relish the thought of a 3.5 hour break before our next flight.

Minneapolis to Nashville (2 hour flight)
It is now 8:00pm - bedtime. We board the commuter plane which is so small that I cannot even stand up straight in it. There are 2 seats on each side which means that Daddy and I have to sit separately; Daddy with the Tiger, Mommy with the Brown Bear. The plane is, of course, completely full and I realize with despair as we enter, that we are in the very middle row, meaning that our wailing will affect every tired passenger aboard. Declan's screaming begins before we even enter the runway. The best part is that we are assigned the seat directly behind the man with Turrets Syndrome (no, he didn't actually have TS, but you get the picture) who says many encouraging things throughout the flight, including: "I cannot believe this." "Oh my gosh, make it stop." "Somebody shoot that baby." "Is this for real?" "I need to get drunk." "This is intolerable." I'm not sure if I was more frustrated with him or the howling tyrant in my arms. A massive poop happens upon takeoff, so I hop up to change D's diaper in the miniature bathroom as soon as possible. Sitting on the miniature toilet seat, baby in lap, I desperately try to keep the little cherub from falling onto the floor or turning on the faucet with his foot. The Brown Bear lets loose and throws his head forward, hitting me square in the nose, creating an immediate gush of blood. I manage to place a clean diaper on him, dry up my nose and squeeze out of the bathroom and back into my seat where Declan resumes throwing himself around, alternating between 2 seconds leaning against my shoulder with thumb in mouth, to 10 seconds flailing about with blood-curdling cries of absolute frustration and exhaustion. Sleeping is not an option. Period. Upon our arrival into Nashville at 10pm, I canter off the plane with both boys in tow and wait for Daddy who is picking up the stroller which we had checked on at the gate. Once out of the sight of others, in the empty terminal, I sob for several minutes. Somehow, it makes me feel much better. One very kind elderly couple approaches me (not realizing that I'm crying) and tells me that they think we did a wonderful job and assure me that their own children have horror stories to top mine and that Declan is "perfectly normal" for a baby weary from travel and exhausted from lack of sleep. This might be the first smile for me this day.

Before you think I'm banning all future travel for this family, I am pleased to report that the trip was a success despite the travel drama, however. Being able to spend time with Gum-bum (Grandma) and Gumpa (Grandpa), Buni (Auntie Jessica) and Ankie Tae (Auntie K) was wonderful and healing. Having the opportunity to be present for Grandpa's memorial service was worth it all.

We have, however, dedicated Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday of this week solely to recovery (of our stamina, wits, courage, sleep). We've been sipping on hot tea, baking cheesecakes, spending lots of time at the barn and taking naps around here. :-)


susan said...

WOW....that is all I can say...WOW.....

denisemayen said...

Whoa. I will forever have no room to complain about travel drama with kids. I'm glad you guys are back home safe and sound!

Danielle (PareDownLookUp) said...

I laughed at this as only a mother who has traveled with a demon can laugh at this. When we are in the airport, I feel like a walking birth control ad. Love to you and ALL the boys.

kimmie said...


Laughing and crying. Glad you are home. I literally want to find the person that was sitting in front of you and make him watch 10 infants for an entire day (and then maybe give him a good talking to afterwards).

teona said...

My sweet Eryn, I know you blessed your daddy's heart by going, and your mom's as well. As far as the trials of travel, thanks for sharing. My heart went out to you and Kris, but I couldn't help myself from smiling and thinking....someday, you'll wish for these days back.:-)
I love you!

Lisa said...

We were relieved to get you back alive and in one piece! This will be great for family storytelling for years!

Teresa Fowler said...

I loved this post!!! Every parents has horror stories but I am so glad that you and your husband were able toe endure it together :)

p&k said...