Tonight, I've let them all down

Tonight, I've let them all down. I have this list of people whom I love and I just keep letting them down. The list keeps growing. I'm not trying to hurt or disappoint any of them. It's not intentional. Life throws a curve ball, then a hurricane, then just a bunch of extra wind and the infernal weeds take over, the pine needles fill the gutters of my life and I'm overwhelmed again by all that I cannot do, all that I cannot be. 

I make decisions, choices, I work (hard - sometimes, probably too hard), and I try to do what I know to be right, honest, efficient, diligent, dependable, and kind. Then, there's that pesky human factor. The reality is that I fail, time and again. I am reminded daily - no, almost minute by minute - of my desperate need for the Divine. The wind blows again and I have a new set of weeds to reckon with. And every now and again the burn pile isn't the answer; I actually have to sift through the darn weeds to find what might yet be good. 

The reality is: I'm insufficient in a lot of ways. I know it and I'm reminded of that truth more often than I'm comfortable admitting. Understanding that reality has never been easy for me, but I know it is important. I do know that I am letting others down, even in my efforts to be what I need/want to be to/for them. Long-distance friendships/family relationships are the hardest, as I live so intensely (life is intense!) in the here and now. All of you - you know who your are - must know that I think of you all the time, I pray for you, I wonder about your lives, and if I know about your joys and sorrows, I share in those. And for those who live near and share life with me, to a small or large extent, I recognize that I am very possibly letting you down, too. Sometimes, in the little ways. Sometimes, in the large ways. 

I would name you all individually, but that would just be uncomfortable for all of us. My purpose in writing this is not to hunt for encouragement that I'm doing better than I think I am. Maybe it's a confession of sorts. Maybe I'm writing it so that I can sleep more soundly tonight. To my boys, if you should someday go back and read this blog of our lives together, know that the struggle is real. We all let others down, fail to meet expectations, and we all disappoint others. And yet... this is just a thread in the tapestry and the beautiful weaving of our lives continues well beyond this thread. 

For me... it's another mountain to climb and if I'm being honest, I love mountains and they are worth the climb.