Doing life... or at least trying

 

I fought tears back as I drove out to hike my hill. I actually just wanted to curl into a fetal position and have a good long cry, but I forced myself to go hike because I knew the fatigue was mental. It was a tough day with Lochlan - he was probably a thief of milk or some other "poison" option, though I really don't know. He has been making such outstanding progress and I find my resilience on the hard days is reduced now that the majority of our days are so far improved from what they used to be. I guess it's like working out muscles... if you are using muscles for the hard things all the time, it's simply easier to use them when you need them. When you aren't required to use them so much, they weaken and become harder to put into use. Lochlan is more engaged, less locked up inside himself. He enjoys so much more of life, his interests are being fostered, he's using language more automatically (without prompting). He has far more good days than bad days. He's affectionate, cheerful, energetic. It's like one tiny miracle after another tiny miracle and I'm seeing the boy slowly become unlocked. 

And... the hard days are still hard. Yesterday, I felt like I was walking through a minefield, carefully choosing each step, trying to diffuse as soon a wrong step was taken, but without success. A misunderstood look. A word spoken with the wrong inflection. A delayed gratification. By the evening of what had turned out to be a full day, I was exhausted. So, as the sun started to prepare for it's departure, I headed out to take a short hike. By the time I finished my excursion, I was encouraged, renewed with determination and strength, filled with wonder. Even the exhaustion had dissipated a fraction. 

The boys have been putting together some bags for the homeless people we see alongside the streets. It's starting to get cold, so they've gathered various items from local thrift stores, their own closets and from the grocery store. Most of the bags have warm socks, gloves, hand warmers, 10-12 various snacks, a bottle of water and a hand written note of encouragement. A few have toiletry items. They're keeping the bags in the truck(s) to distribute when appropriate. I love what is inside the hearts of each of these men; they are such an encouragement to me. They each challenge humanity as a whole to be kinder and more generous. 

I've been in love with this stump that I found on my hill about 7 years ago. I thought it would be lost in the fires, but alas, it remained untouched! It has deteriorated a bit with the help of time but has held onto it's character and beauty. As I've seen the base weaken over the years, I've been considering how to salvage it and give it new glory. I kept thinking that one day I'd bring it home and turn it into a fountain/flower box. The boys decided to make that dream a reality. They hauled up Madigan's homemade lawn mower trailer, which was no small feat given how steep my hill is. Then, we all carefully hauled it back down, put it onto the trailer and were able to get it home safely. I'm going to sand it down where I can and cover it in a polyurethane to try to preserve it indefinitely. I'll post pictures as the project continues! I'm unbelievably excited about this gift! 

Today is a new day and though I feel a little of the residual fatigue from yesterday's race, I am ready to face it and I am excited about what it might hold.