I don't understand

There's a lot in this life I don't understand. If I spent too much time pondering it (all or in part) I think I would drive myself into either insanity or depression because I honestly highly doubt there are answers - at least answers that can be ascertained on this side of heaven. I don't understand why Lochlan has to suffer so endlessly and have so many disadvantages that others do not have; why can't I find answers? I don't understand how lifetime friends can extricate themselves from a friendship without explanation or clear provocation; that kind of pain leaves a unique wound. I don't understand death. I don't understand why maturity is so dang hard to attain; we (hopefully) spend whole lifetimes endeavoring to do so. I don't understand how pain can be so unceasing. I don't understand why I have to live so far away from so many people I care about so deeply. I don't understand how I can still miss Fancy as much today as I did 1 year ago when she passed away; that pain is far too intense and it seems like time should have healed the void more than it has. I don't understand wildfires; unfortunately, I have a pretty good understanding of their subsequent flooding, but I'd rather be less knowledgeable in that area. :-) 

And I don't understand goodness, kindness, generosity, selflessness, hope, strength inside of people that can change the world for unbelievable good, joy, laughter, the overwhelming beauty of this Creation, the comfort I find in the love of a great dog (or four), the paintings in the sky, or love. 

I'm not in search of answers to (most of) these things. There is one thing I do understand: my days are FILLED with wonder and I treasure the tiny details inside of my heart because they are mine to hold. If my memory fades with time and age, this is my written record, my way of holding onto those magical, potent and life-changing minute details. Kelton showing his puppy how to swim in the ice-cold creek water. Lochlan walking with his pillow (covered in sand and water) on top of his head down the entirety of the trail - such talent! Madigan out-walking me - those long legs serve him well! Declan's endless puns.... he's relentless and it's hilarious. The birds. The flowers. The tree blossoms. The wild lilacs blooming in the forest. The tiny fish trying to swim upstream. The pools of clear water. The canyon walls. The conversations with my boys. These nuggets from today are a reminder that I am rich. 

I am also still recovering from COVID, so off to bed. :-)