living in reality

Wishing I had my sister's long, lovely fingers as I reach for the keyboard, my arms encircling this 6 week old gem who has pressed himself into my chest. He's not sleeping... just looking around with that wobbly bobble head, making eye contact whenever he can (when his head flops back far enough to do so) and smiling at his latest amusement. As I started to kiss across his face, he broke into a crooked grin and startling wobbling around more aggressively toward my face in an effort to secure more kisses.

His sheer baby-ness - soft, brown hair covering his (perfect) head, bright eyes, vigorous kicks of enthusiasm, happy munching noises, beautiful and flawless baby skin, unrestrained delight when he hears my voice or feels my touch and knows I'm "all his" for the moment, his quick smile, and even his snort of disgust when he's disappointed - makes up for nearly every challenge that marks this season of my life. As I was mentally cataloging my frustrations this afternoon, a little fat Jevy paw patted my leg (on his way by) and that incredible smile gave me a sudden reality check. Yes, the challenges are real - never having a hand or moment free, my inadequacy to meet every need/expectation of the men (both big and little) in my life, the extreme loneliness that accompanies isolation and often just motherhood, my inability to share my thoughts/feelings/hopes with another adult because I either haven't the energy to do so, or the physical presence of another adult in those moments where I'm left with a thought to myself - they are very much a part of this reality. And so is the beauty - the overwhelming, almost unbelievable beauty - that surrounds me. So, in this quiet moment with this little person wiggling in my arms, I stand in awe of what surrounds me each day of this part of my life.