Beach Access

 Sometimes, I wake up in the early morning hours knowing that I must write but not actually knowing what I am to write. I am privy to so many incredible things each day and I store them away to remember when I sit down to write, but my brain functions more like a colander these days. So, I sit... the pressure percolates because the momentary treasures I have been witness to may or may not come to my recollection when I need them to. There are too many, and with time at a full gallop I hold them about as effectively as I would sand through my fingers. 

Right now I am sitting in the upper story of a house that sits along the Oregon coast. We can see the waves and we can hear the waves. The smell of the sea permeates and it compels me to venture outdoors. I am on a "sisters trip" with my twin, my Mom and my Aunt Teona. Stepping outside of my world into this 4 day world feels like a complete and thorough reality shift. I have slept the past two nights entirely through the night without waking. I'm constantly looking for where I need to pick up, clean up, repair something, water something, feed something, meal prep, or organize (again). Instead, there is time to read, reflect, consider. The quiet and rest is nice. The peace is needed. I think I'm soaking up the beauty of this place into the marrow of my bones. 

I miss the hustle and bustle of my life, though. I miss the chaos of keeping 4 young human men in existence. I miss watching their sleepy faces wander out of the bedroom for morning tea. I miss hearing them share their hearts, watching them galavant across the fields, take Lochlan for endless rides with the lawn mower/trailer, ride the Zipline for hours on end, wrangle their flock of chickens. Life is full. It is crazy. It is utterly exhausting. It is messy (and dirty and cluttered and gross). And it is beautiful. 

The reflection is easy here. The power of the sea is compelling. I am savoring this short 4 days, absolutely

. 

We got to ride horses on the beach last night and I landed on a little bay gelding who was absolutely delightful! He was smart, kind, spirited and his attitude made the whole experience such a treat. 

The Gift of You

We have a compilation of music that we've been adding to for over 6 years. That album is now almost 400 songs and they include every genre of music far and wide; I call it our musical whiplash album. We were listening to it is we drove down to Prescott last week. Lochlan was dancing and laughing the entire way down (about 2 hours). As we pulled into the Costco parking lot, he leaned forward in his seat and projectile vomited. TWICE! There was vomit dripping into the seat pockets, between the seats, into the vents, from our clothing, from the seat and covering the floor, gear shift, console, etc. We didn't really have anything to clean it up with because you know... vomit can't REALLY be cleaned up. It's time to sell the 4-Runner. Just kidding. I won't be selling the 4-Runner, but it will probably never fully recover. As we walked into Costco to try to find some cleaning supplies, I saw vomit drip from Aunt Teona's sleeve.  

I reflected, in that moment, on the astounding level of support I have in raising Lochlan. I have a team that has not only changed his life, but my life. I depend upon each of them uniquely and I literally wake up each morning in those wee "worry hours" and thank God for each of the individuals who are building into Lochlan so consistently and with such perseverance. They give me wings to fly, and in all honestly, they keep my feet walking forward. 

Our beloved Brooklyn has been Lochlan's tutor for 3+ years and she has guided him through many of the harder seasons. She's had computers chucked at her, been serenaded by screams, helped us navigate the puberty fun, loved on Lochlan unconditionally, and been a constant source of strength for him as she builds him up with knowledge and care. Brooklyn has become a part of our family. She is starting a new season in life in a new place, but her integral role in our lives has changed each of us. And, like all family, she is only separated from us by miles. 

Aunt Teona pours herself into Lochlan (and the other boys and me) without ever stopping. The first thing she does when she walks into our house is connect with Lochlan, telling him she loves him, giving him a hug. He lights up like a butterfly and giggles. Aunt Teona provides both Respite Care for me and tutoring for Lochlan; she is my right hand. She does literally anything and everything and every day when I look back and see all that we've accomplished from the daily requirement task list to the post-flooding recovery task list it is astounding! Many hands make light-er work! She is also teaching Lochlan how to cook. At first he was resistant, so we motivated him with Christmas music. If he was in the kitchen he could pick any Christmas song he wished. Now, Christmas music isn't even required! He loves to cook with her and he's getting more competent and confident. Aunt Teona walks through the trenches with us, wearing vomit, cementing bridges, managing fits of rage (more often from Lochlan than me :-), teaching hygiene practices to a kid who just "doesn't", and walking the hard road of raising Lochlan day by day. She gives the gift of unconditional love... daily. 

Aunt Debbie is the teacher extraordinaire. She tutors both Lochlan and Declan. She has been a teacher her whole life, but more importantly, she LOVES TEACHING! She gives us all a hunger to learn and grow in knowledge. She loves each of us fiercely and we know it without question. She passes out "Math mints" which reminds us that Math CAN be fun and rewarding. When I tell Lochlan he needs to get ready in the morning because Aunt Debbie is coming, he starts looking out the window for her car and runs through the house with excitement. I have seen remarkable growth in Lochlan under Aunt Debbie's careful teaching and guidance. And possibly as importantly, she has helped me to see that I am sufficient. That encouragement carries me. Aunt Debbie teaches us all through the way she lives and her influence on the boys is a gift to me. And she brings me a Matador coffee every Monday (or Tuesday)! :-) 

Allie... she knows ALL OF IT! She has been Lochlan's speech therapist forever (6+ years?). I literally do not know where we would be without her. Allie has worked with Lochlan from the time he was absolutely non-verbal. I remember her telling me that getting good eye contact and acknowledgement was a positive. Then, we moved into grunting. Then, screaming outbursts to express himself. Then came one word. at. a. time. I called her when he swore appropriately the first time! She rejoiced with me! Allie thinks outside the box and is full of creative ideas. Allie is an unexpected kindred spirit. She also provides him with hippotherapy (Occupational Therapy on horses) alongside Lauren, the occupation therapist who adopted Lochlan into her program 2+ years ago.  And both Lauren and Allie live across the street from us, so it's all kind of a miracle. Both Allie and Lauren have shown immeasurable patience, resilience and expertise in the work they do, both with Lochlan and others and they have worked with me when I'm out of ideas, helping me navigate the unknown gauntlet. I know I am blessed to have them as part of Lochlan's team. 

Ron started working as Lochlan's habilitation provider about 1 year ago. It is SO INCREDIBLY WONDERFUL to have a man on the team! Lochlan loves Ron so much. We all do! Ron walks in the door and says, "Where's Lochlan? Anyone seen Lochlan???" Lochlan giggles and says, "Here Lochlan!" and points to himself. Ron takes Lochlan on adventures every week! They've been to Sunset Crater, Schultz Pass, the Recreation Center, the Train Station, Old Caves Crater, etc. Lochlan knows that "Ron" means "adventure" and when I tell him it the morning that Ron is coming, he gets so excited! I think Ron's role in Lochlan life is so important and I can see Lochlan blossoming from the consistent and intentional time Ron invests in him. 

All of these individuals have rejoiced with us in the miracle(s) of his life, have cried with us through the setbacks, and probably don't even realize how they have held me up to keep standing when I have faced the impossible. 

Kelton and Madigan have also started getting tutoring during the week. Jamie started tutoring Kelton and Madigan in Math, Reading, Spelling and Typing at the start of this school year. At first she just tutored a couple hours a week, but it quickly became apparent that the boys were absolutely thriving under her tutelege. So, now she is tutoring for several hours each week. Kelton is suddenly taking school seriously and every morning he wakes up and starts "getting ready for school". He told me has realized how much he loves learning things! THAT is the sign of a great teacher. I have always felt that if someone can instill in another person the love of learning, it is one of the greatest gifts. Madigan is incredible... he has a learning challenge, but he can literally remember everything he's ever heard. He has a mind that holds information like a steel trap. His spelling is atrocious and likely will always be a challenge to him, but he is working through copious volumes of spelling words, writing them and rewriting them and he almost always does not forget them once he has learned them. Sure, there's over a million words for him to learn in this way, but he's getting a great start! I marvel at Madigan's mind and it's ability to listen, truly HEAR something and never forget it. He said he loves that Jamie is patient with him, but simultaneously encouraging. I have so much relief knowing that she is guiding these boys in their academic journey. She is a gift to me!