Sometimes, there is a deep pain that I can't put into words. I think it's rooted in sorrow, but I'm not sure. Today, I woke up to find Devany incredibly sick. She has been fighting a cold for more than a week, and yesterday, I felt like we were getting ahead of it. This morning her temp had spiked, she was covered in phlegm from her nose, her eyes were dull and leaking fluid and her cough was awful. She wasn't eating and she was lethargic. I tried to find a local vet to see her on short-notice and no one was available.
I found it hard to face Devany's prognosis today. After many months of fighting to keep Wynn alive, after losing Fancy so recently, I felt helplessness and fear for what I cannot seem to change or alter. I prayed, and cried, and I still felt absolutely exasperated. Devany has been the strongest horse I've ever known or owned. She is big, beautiful, powerful and so healthy. She has never been lame or sick and I remember the night she was born, I couldn't believe how strong she seemed even as a newborn. She is naughty and wonderful. If a horse can have passion, this is the one who has it all. So, today, I inwardly collapsed from the fear of what I cannot ultimately change. If she is healed, it will not be because I am able to wish that healing upon her.
After a few hours of making phone calls and begging, I finally found a vet who was willing on her day off to come see Devany. She was able to administer broad spectrum IV antibiotics and she left me with doses to continue giving her for the next week. We took samples to culture and see what she is up against. At this point, it's very likely bacterial, though it may have started out as a virus. She has to be under strict monitoring for the next several days, and our biggest challenge is to make sure she stays warm, dry and hydrated; all of which are challenges with the current winter snow storm that is upon us. This storm shall pass, and I believe this horse has the strength to get through it.
So, I've, again, faced some ugly truths within myself: I STILL think I have control over some parts of my life. I STILL think that if I just fight hard enough...
I am in control of nothing. I hold on tightly to the ones that I love, as if they are mine to keep.
Life is a gift. The life of this horse is a gift. To love her is a treasure but I am not entitled to it.
2 comments:
My heart aches and asks the Maker of all that is to fill you with His strength and peace and perfect resting in His ways. 🙏💗
My heart aches for you and I lift you up before the only One who holds all life in His hands, that He would fill you with His strength, His peace and a perfect trust in His ways being higher than our ways. He loves you perfectly and won’t give you more than you can handle but will with the temptation also give you the way through it: “but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.” (1 Corinthians 10:13). Love you dearly, deeply, devotedly.
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