As you fight to find words/language, I see you struggle each day, wanting to know and be known. I see you try so very hard to understand, to express yourself, to be the best man you can be and to truly excel at being you. I see you wanting love without condition, deep understanding from those of us who love you most fervently.
I see you alone, inside yourself, but wanting to be a part of it all, this thing called life.
I see you angry because you know, but we don't and you don't know how to help us know.
I see you excited about the adventures we share together! That brings me endless delight and I know it gives you hope. You go find my truck keys every morning, and often grab your horseback riding helmet in order to expedite the day's exploration adventures. Man after my own heart!
I see you taking in the wonders of the creation around you and watching those insights bring you to life is magical to me. You are happiest when you are taking in those places both familiar and brand new, hiking alongside your brothers, riding on "your" horses, or driving for endless hours along the dirt roads that lead us ever deeper into the forests and canyons.
I see you find yourself - your excellent, endlessly talented, courageous, passionate, and joyful self - when you are sitting atop your horse(s). You run your fingers through their manes and just laugh out loud and I know you love every part of these creatures that bring us so much life. Sometimes, I catch you leaning forward, just smelling them, like you can breathe in the very essence of who they are.
I see you discouraged when you feel alone or set apart. You are such an integral part of this family and what makes us tick. You will know and understand that someday. We each treasure you, uniquely, because you play a different role in all of our lives. I love watching you interact with each of your brothers... in so many ways you are the axis upon which we rotate, even in your quietest moments of just being.
You are struggling to find your voice. This week, you have succeeded in saying: Tea, movie, go, bye-bye, candy, yum... we all nearly exploded in pride and hope overwhelmeth!
In those darker months/years (almost 4 years) where you were so lost inside yourself, so perpetually miserable and upset (you screamed for almost 4 hours a day and were awake most nights), so utterly alone (never participating in the things your brothers were doing), blind hope was often the only thing that helped me climb out of bed each morning. I prayed - oh so many endless prayers - that you would begin to find yourself, that you would start to SEE others, that you would know (deeply) that you are so needed and loved by each of us, that you would find abundant joy in the stuff of life, and that you would find comradery with your brothers. You have found all these things and so much more. You more often than not are the one leading this pack as we follow our hearts (and a whole lot of trails) through the forests and meadows. You instigate roaring games of tag throughout the house, You are the front runner in the dump truck races (and ear ringing noise) that make my phone conversations utterly impossible.
So, each day I will continue to pray, as fervently, that you find your voice (it's THERE. IT IS THERE!), that you continue to grow into the man you are destined to be and are so clearly becoming. I will pray that you find Truth and that you will be faithful to love well. I will pray that your courage never fails you, but that it takes you to the places everyone says you will not go, as it already has!