Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Exasperation and hope

I felt the blood race through my veins as the tension inside me grew with each step. My face flushed with embarrassment as I tried to avoid making eye contact with anyone that passed, for fear that any look of reproach or judgement might force the tears that were threatening to overtake me. Your brothers gallantly trotted alongside me, encouraging you that this store experience could be different if you would rally yourself to see things differently. After the 5th return trip to the vehicle to address your screaming and 5th attempt at a more successful reentry into the store, my exasperation was toxic to my ability to reason, yet I could not help but marvel at the resilience and patience of your three brothers who love you so unwaiveringly. There was no reasoning with you in any manner, no ability on my part to calm you, to help you find the good to be had in this small adventure or to resume anything but a tyrannical approach to this shopping experience on your part.

When we finally reached the car after completing another shopping experience from h***, the rush of feelings overwhelmed, discouragement pushed the tears to the surface and I sniveled my way home. Kelton, patted me on the shoulder and said, "Mama, don't cry. It will be fine." I think that's what makes it so insanely hard, if I dig to the heart of it. There is no assurance that everything will be alright. Though hope prevails, the outcome of this journey of life (let's be realistic, for all of us) is yet to be determined. The discouragement from today was compounded by pain of yesterday when I argued all day with the state about what services you should be "awarded" to help you have the best chance at success and the greatest opportunities to thrive in this difficult thing we call life.

Oh my boy, this is your fifth year in this harsh world and each day you grow more beautiful. If I could make anything in this world come to be, the wish I would wish is for you to find deep joy, for your ability to see things as they are (to find and KNOW Truth), for your life to be fruitful and for the things you are intended to do to be fulfilled completely. To love - to truly love - is something we all learn for the entirety of our lives, I suppose. Each day, I feel I come to understand another facet of that undefinable word, as I gravitate toward you and your brothers, and as I am perpetually shaped and changed by the things you show me each day - new things, hard things, insanely wonderful things, seemingly impossible things, obvious things that I've never understood before.

So, little buddy, though I may fall to discouragement in my weakness, know that I am forever behind you, always beside you, loving you with every fiber of my being, never doubting who you are and whom you are created to be. You are strong and you have shown courage and perseverance in the face of adversity and pain. Walk through the doors that are opened for you and look to the one who made you to show you the plans He has for you.


teona said...

I am always amazed at your ability to use words to incite such emotion within me. I in return however, don't know what to say to you, my sweet niece. "It'll be ok", "Shush now, tomorrow will be better", "Don't worry"...... These are things we say to our children.
Nothing I can say to you can make things right, or make things as they should be.
I can tell you, that I truly don't know anyone in the world as strong and as capable as you! Even the times when you don't feel strong, and you need to cry or yell, or scream at the top of your lungs (preferably way out in the woods), you have a core strength, that remains. And you have bequeathed this strength to each of your boys.

Unknown said...

Hi Eryn, the struggles are rough and times are hard.. But on some level your son may or may not understand the gravity. He is after all a child. I know very many parents that could not understand. The idea to communicate silently to others is a great one. I encourage you to move in that direction. Eryn just as a human being, it is difficult to encourage others when we don't know... It is difficult for some even if they do know.. I am glad you are vocal about it or I would never know... On your side faithfully, Deena

Gary said...

Heart-wrenching reality, yet heart-warming mother's love. I pray the state help comes through and proves, well, helpful--but pray as well that you have the discipline and fortitude to see this child through to a better future....

kmac said...

Whenever I think my job is hard, I remember that yours is ten times harder. You're doing a great job at it. Love you,