Our heavy metal "playlist"

 In the past couple of weeks, we have wrangled some of our biggest projects. We have a list which we've been plugging away at for the past 6 months, and we have a deadline for a few things on that list since we're hosting Kaysee and Max's wedding on our property in June. The deadline is healthy because it pushes us to complete some things we might not otherwise want to even start. Some things on our list don't have to be completed by the wedding, so it's also forcing us to prioritize, which is good when the list feels as long as Santa's sleigh list. 

I've been watching the boys push past some genuine fatigue and there hasn't been a single bad attitude. We've been pretty intentional about taking rest days, but that somehow hasn't felt sufficient to overcome the tired and sore bodies. And then there's the normal expectations and schedule still ever present upon us. Sometimes, it feels like I'm on a tightrope, pushing a wheelbarrow of dirt and rocks and carrying a backpacking pack full to the top with expectations and responsibilities. 

We still have so much residue from the flooding of 2022. Our flagstone pathway disappeared underneath the flow of mud that came down and we are only now restoring it. Mark dug out the first chunk of it in late 2022, but the rest has remained buried since then. About 100 feet had to be removed because the rocks were too damaged. This past week, Madigan, Declan and I replaced that portion of the pathway, and added a sitting area underneath the aspens as well as a new area in front of the house where we will put my fountain (made from the stump we retrieved from my hill). In addition, Madigan and Kelton have been chipping away at the mud covered pathway that has not been uncovered yet. I'm working on the back side of the house and they're working around the other side so that we will, hopefully, meet in the middle soon! We're very excited with how it has come together! 

We also completed the outside fence of our pasture! This has been a burr up my booty for quite some time! It was compromised post-flooding, but it was literally the one fence that managed to remain standing. Devany, and the other horses decided to do their part and progressively destroy it over time. The grass is always greener on the other side, as we know, and that fence really didn't stand a chance. Austin helped me find and bring home a very heavy load of the fence panels a guy was getting rid of online. We installed cement posts into the ground, cut the posts down, bolted them to the cement and then Austin welded the whole thing together, coaching Declan through the process. The finished fence is a work of art! And good luck Devany and crew! 

The current mammoth project we are attempting to complete is the roof for our underground greenhouse. We've made good progress so far and the ideas for how we are going to use it are percolating again! Those beams are probably 1000 lbs each, and we manipulated them into place using Kelton's ingenuity/genius ideas and sheer human willpower. :-) 

Declan and I decided to get away and go hike up a pretty mountain on Saturday and even though it was a challenge we were both rejuvenated by the hike. Declan even found a square root for Aunt Debbie (who is teaching Declan to love Math!), made out of the root of a tree! 

We might work hard, but we still have time for all the delicious things in life. 

Tonight, I've let them all down

Tonight, I've let them all down. I have this list of people whom I love and I just keep letting them down. The list keeps growing. I'm not trying to hurt or disappoint any of them. It's not intentional. Life throws a curve ball, then a hurricane, then just a bunch of extra wind and the infernal weeds take over, the pine needles fill the gutters of my life and I'm overwhelmed again by all that I cannot do, all that I cannot be. 

I make decisions, choices, I work (hard - sometimes, probably too hard), and I try to do what I know to be right, honest, efficient, diligent, dependable, and kind. Then, there's that pesky human factor. The reality is that I fail, time and again. I am reminded daily - no, almost minute by minute - of my desperate need for the Divine. The wind blows again and I have a new set of weeds to reckon with. And every now and again the burn pile isn't the answer; I actually have to sift through the darn weeds to find what might yet be good. 

The reality is: I'm insufficient in a lot of ways. I know it and I'm reminded of that truth more often than I'm comfortable admitting. Understanding that reality has never been easy for me, but I know it is important. I do know that I am letting others down, even in my efforts to be what I need/want to be to/for them. Long-distance friendships/family relationships are the hardest, as I live so intensely (life is intense!) in the here and now. All of you - you know who your are - must know that I think of you all the time, I pray for you, I wonder about your lives, and if I know about your joys and sorrows, I share in those. And for those who live near and share life with me, to a small or large extent, I recognize that I am very possibly letting you down, too. Sometimes, in the little ways. Sometimes, in the large ways. 

I would name you all individually, but that would just be uncomfortable for all of us. My purpose in writing this is not to hunt for encouragement that I'm doing better than I think I am. Maybe it's a confession of sorts. Maybe I'm writing it so that I can sleep more soundly tonight. To my boys, if you should someday go back and read this blog of our lives together, know that the struggle is real. We all let others down, fail to meet expectations, and we all disappoint others. And yet... this is just a thread in the tapestry and the beautiful weaving of our lives continues well beyond this thread. 

For me... it's another mountain to climb and if I'm being honest, I love mountains and they are worth the climb.