Life turns on the decisions we make

 

I find myself making plans for tomorrow, setting goals, pressing onward and then I prepare for the unexpected. Life turns on the decisions we make and it makes a mockery of our carefully orchestrated plans. The internal outline I drew for my life as a youth resembles very little of the road map of reality for my life; my internal life plan was like a carefully crafted pencil sketch and my reality looks a little more like the crayon scribbled sketch of a toddler. I did say that I wanted to have 4 boys when I was 12 years old - unbelievably I do have 4 boys who far exceed any of my expectations or hope. 

Life also turns on the decisions we make. Decisions of every day - minute or magnificent - change the roads we follow, the places we go, the people we orbit around, and ultimately alter the course of our lives. The whole or our lives turns on the choices we make in each day and there is is something compelling and also daunting about that reality. 

In the past two weeks I've been able to spend time (though never enough!) with friends whom I have known for decades, and friends from my childhood. We have been separated by hundreds of miles for many years, so our lives are not parallel, but they are intersecting and each of those intersecting points is a beautiful highlight on the timeline of my own life. I have watched each of their lives (from a distance), I have shared in their victories, I have grieved in their losses, and I have been rich for knowing and loving them. The battles we have each fought are unique and none of us would have chosen to be in the fight. Yet, I see how through the trials, through the hardship, because of the impossible things we have been required to do, we have each found strength that is not innate. We have been molded into softer, less callous versions of ourselves and we are able to see one another with clearer vision/insight.

I am deeply grateful for the passage of time with all it brings with it; I do not know what tomorrow holds, but I know that my life is rich for the people who have filled it. Hope is a dangerous thing; it can steal from today for a tomorrow that may never come. My hope is in today, in the promises I know to be true!

If you weren't so tall

 

I was in the aisle of the grocery store trying to reach a bottle of sparkling water that was on the top shelf. I was tiptoeing precariously to reach it and as I dropped back down, I bumped into a small lady who had decided to stand directly behind me. I apologized profusely for bumping into her, even though I'm certain I could not have avoided it without some serious gymnastics. She scowled at me and said, "WELL! It would certainly help if you weren't so tall!" I was not-a-little mortified. I had no words; I had plenty upon reflection, but none would have reflected things in my heart which are noble or praiseworthy. :-) When I went to the self checkout to buy my troublesome sparkling water, a tall gentleman who had witnessed the encounter tapped me on the shoulder, leaned in and said, "tall is wonderful." In this small statement, that man built me up and instilled strength where I felt most vulnerable. It was a kindness I will remember. 

Sometimes it's challenging to be kind. I was looking in a pool of clear, still water a couple weeks ago. The reflection was nearly flawless. It made me think about reflections; what do I reflect to others about themselves? Do I reflect that they are valuable, beautiful, loved? I think too often I do not.

 

Do I reflect to them the truth about themselves, or do I give them a distorted view cluttered with the mess of my own life/self? 

Life seems to be one long learning curve for me. In truth I do let the stuff of life clutter my perspective, in spite of my best intentions. I have recently felt deep hurt in a close friendship, I have been disappointed by what I cannot change in chapters of the book of my life that are still being written, I feel heartbreak at the ongoing suffering of the child I brought into this world and I feel exasperation because my desperate search for the key to unlock him must continue. Can I, through the fog of pain (or heartache, or exasperation), reflect to others whom I encounter that they are valuable and precious? Can I reflect beauty even in the times when beauty is not the most overwhelming ingredient in my perspective? 

I will endeavor to do so, even if I should fail more than I would like. 

Legacy of a man

Lochlan kissed Sadie's nose and ran his hand along her face, giggling and saying, "Sadie, Sadie, Sadie". I don't think she has any idea how infatuated he is with her, but she's incredibly gentle and patient with him. Sadie has proven herself to be sensitive, intelligent, and wonderfully curious, a good equine companion to a boy who dances to a different tune and creates his own drumbeat. Today, when someone asked him about his pets, he told them about "Togo" the dog and then "SADIE, SADIE, SADIE!" the horse. :-) He stopped the entire conversation with his enthusiasm. No one can doubt his love for this amazing creature. 

Lochlan has the most amazing team of individuals working alongside him to help him overcome obstacles in his development and to help us unlock all that is locked inside of him. He's had a tough week and we're not entirely sure what has caused the challenges for him, but something tells me it's actually all pointing to a positive trajectory. He's still getting treatment(s) for various things and we're seeing so much changing. His attention span is longer, his communication is more clear and automatic, he is able to switch from one subject to the next more smoothly, he is curious, interested, brave and motivated in ways he's never been before. These pictures were taken last week at Occupational Therapy. 💚

Lochlan is showing more typical teen signs of angst, irritation and hormonal chaos. He's also showing us that he has some real humor. When Aunt Debbie asks him to label farm animals, he loves to point to the alligator as one of the common farm animals. Then, he bursts out laughing! 

He doesn't always have a sure phrase for what he's trying to express. Today, he spilled a large amount of ice into his lap while we were driving. He emphatically stated: "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Water! Coooooooooooold water!" and then under his breath, "Go back to earth!". I was laughing so hard I was crying! 

this is his drawing of Sadie Rae

Reading books with his lil buddy, Ezra

This man. He is full of so much that is challenging to understand and definitely impossible to explain. I'm on a steep learning curve each and every day of my life. It's a privilege and an honor, an impossible test and the hardest, most wonderful journey of my life. 

Sycamore Canyon +

 

I feel like Arizona is the state of surprises. If you fly into Phoenix, you would be inclined to think that the state is a cactus filled desert, but if you drive less than 2 hours north you not only gain almost 7000 feet, but find yourself surrounded by pine trees and at the base of mountain peaks. I've now spent years in Flagstaff, but I feel like I've barely skimmed the surface of discovery. And there are special nuggets of wonder that I love to revisit periodically because they're just so spectacular. Sycamore Canyon is one of those nuggets. The 70 foot falls are a wonder of creation! And nearby are a network of large pools (ponds) which flow into one another; they were naturally formed and were the lifeline and home site of an entire village of native Americans at one point in time.

Note the rock climbers in the next two pictures! 

 

Not far from Sycamore Canyon is another of Arizona's gems: Keyhole Sink. It is a small box canyon tucked into the forest with a waterfall running through it. This fall is seasonal, but has apparently always been a source of water and provision for centuries. There are petroglyphs on several of the inner walls and one of the more badly worn petrogyphs shows the drawing of deer in the canyon and tribesmen hunters along the tops of the walls with their arrows drawn. 

Ice walking is the best

We just recently discovered a few other pit houses nearby our house. The boys and I were wandering one afternoon when Lochlan was a having a more more pitiful day. He cheered up once we started our adventure and seemed to enjoy our discoveries. 

Yesterday, a storm loomed and I could feel the tension in Lochlan from the moment he woke up. So, we headed out to meet our friends, the Loopers, for a walk and Lochlan's brothers set about distracting him with a hardy game of train. These boys are so wonderful! Lochlan loved it and was soon distracted from his grumpiness. 

We then grabbed some hamburgers and went to eat by my daddy's grave. Daddy was a famous hamburger lover and one of Burger King's most loved customers; Burger King actually sent our family a large wreath when he passed away. As we sat there and talked about my memories of him, Lochlan said, "Eat hamburger with Grandpa". I had a hard time fighting away the tears; I would love to sit down for lunch with him and my boys. I cannot imagine how much I would want to talk with him about. It would be a very long lunch. 

And then the storm came... 

We've continued growing plants in our greenhouse/indoor gardens and we're having more success than I originally anticipated. Last night a good portion of our dinner was "home grown". In January! Woohoo! We had fresh eggs from our chickens who are producing over a dozen a day right now. We had lettuce, basil, parsley, spinach and kale from our garden as well. We've been washing, drying, and grinding up the egg shells to use as fertilizer on our plants. We've been making a mineral tea and including several of our dried garden herbs for flavor. When we're finished with the tea we are using it as a compost/fertilizer as well. 

Alas, dawn has beckoned and our little house is glowing. Time to rise and shine... or at least get this day started.