Ramblings of a tired mind...

We accomplish things sometimes. Sometimes we exceed expectations. Sometimes we fail miserably. Sometimes we run as if we could fly with wings as eagles. Sometimes pulling ourselves out of the mud is required simply to keep us from drowning. Sometimes our dreams come true. Sometimes we're devastated by the unexpected. Sometimes we work diligently and reach goals we set for ourselves. Sometimes... we don't. Sometimes we win. Sometimes we lose. Sometimes our lives are filled with abundance. Sometimes we lose the ones closest to us and we are lost in the darkness of grief. Sometimes we fight battles that nothing could have prepared us for. Sometimes we lie in wait because the answers are nowhere to be found. 

Some lives are marked by diligence. Some by creativity. Some by kindness. Some by perseverance. Some by courage. Some by loss. Some by pain. Some by profound (and un-explainable) strength. Some by love.

I've been thinking a lot this week about the people who have been a part of filling my life. I've been thinking about friends who have stood alongside me from childhood into adulthood, about family and the complicated (sometimes messy) love that marks it as such. I've been thinking about people I love who are walking alone because of loss, about those who have morphed from acquaintances to become trusted friends and about those far away whom I wish to share life alongside. 

Life is complicated and (for me) it has surprised me at every turn. If I had written a life script as a young human, my deviations on this side from that script would have been undoubtedly appalling and entertaining, simultaneously. Nothing is as I planned it, and in so many ways I'm grateful for that. 

I've always asked myself, "What will you do with the time you're given?" It's a compelling question. I am getting ready to travel to celebrate the retirement of a beloved friend. Kurt, Krista and I grew up together in the White Mountains of Arizona, and we have lived the majority of our lives separated by thousands of miles. And yet, we've never lost one another - we're more like siblings than friends. Kurt has had a full career in the military and he is about to retire from that career path into a new, unknown path forward. I keep referring to his retirement as his "graduation" because I think it was just yesterday that we were 13 year old kids playing basketball together. Kurt's life has (always) been marked by excellence. When life threw garbage at Kurt, he pressed on, took the next step(s) and always went above and beyond, because that's just who he is. His life has been complicated because all of our lives are complicated; and it is a life marked by determination, strength, boldness, kindness, wisdom and yes, even sometimes humility (don't laugh out loud, Colleen). I'm incredibly proud to know Kurt, and to call him my brother and my friend for life. 

Tonight, I walked my hill to think, pray, reflect, grieve, and be reminded of joy that is reflected to me in every way in this creation where I wander.  I was weary but refreshed for having done so. Hence, forgive these ramblings of a tired mind... 

Resilience. Wisdom. Perseverance. Strength.

 

We walked through a canopy of wild bushes covered in fragrant white flowers. The air smelled like Jasmine flowers. It was cool in the shade of the wild bushes and large pine trees as we descended Sterling Pass. All four boys made the arduous climb to the top of the pass, not once but twice since it was an out-and-back trail. We hiked from Oak Creek Canyon to Vulte Arch and beyond. I was so proud of these incredible men because they had to push past their comfort several times and in many ways. 

Madigan can officially out-hike me in speed (and almost in stamina). He has strengthened his lungs so much that he has overcome any symptoms he used to have of exercise-induced asthma. He was incredible with Lochlan yesterday; Lochlan started fussing pretty obnoxiously about half way up the steep incline to the top. Madigan started asking him questions. He would ask things like: What color is that flower? Who is our smallest horse? Who are our girl dogs? Who's your favorite dog? Do you have 10 toes or 10 noses? He came up with questions for over 30 minutes. It distracted Lochlan completely and he didn't fuss anymore. 

Declan coached Kelton all the way up, encouraging him to take deep breaths, not whine because it uses more energy to do so and to keep taking small rests to give his body a break. Declan showed infinite patience with Kelton and I know Kelton made it up that incredibly challenging pass because he had such wise guidance and support. Declan has his famous, laid back swagger, hatchet strung carelessly to his hip, pants ripped in some places or another and most likely unbuttoned because... well, just because. He is quick with his smile, always pointing out the smells of the forest which overwhelm and delight us and he simply never complains. EVER! 

Lochlan has the most amazing stamina. We can all be out of breath and that guy is barely struggling. He did get really frustrated twice: while ascending the slope going in and then when he got thirsty and ran out of water when we were almost out of the canyon. Both times he was understandably uncomfortable. Yet, with the help of his brothers engaging him in ideas he set aside his discomfort and powered on. The strength I see in him, the self mastery, the ability to do what is difficult... it brings tears to my eyes. He's a fabulous human and every day he's BECOMING... 

Kelton showed resilience and perseverance in a very real struggle. He can very easily work himself into a state of panic when he feels out of breath, too hot, or looks up and sees a mountain looming ahead of himself. He is learning to focus, breathe deeply, rest appropriately, and take the next step; all important life lessons, I believe. On the way up the pass on the way back, he said, "Mom, this has been an incredible experience. I've loved this trail, and what I've learned. Thank you for taking us out on these adventures." 

I know I won't always be able to adventure thus; each memory is tucked away tightly and I hold these days like the treasures of old. 

I found some wild spearmint next to the creek, so we came home and made spearmint/blueberry sun tea. :-) 

I don't understand

There's a lot in this life I don't understand. If I spent too much time pondering it (all or in part) I think I would drive myself into either insanity or depression because I honestly highly doubt there are answers - at least answers that can be ascertained on this side of heaven. I don't understand why Lochlan has to suffer so endlessly and have so many disadvantages that others do not have; why can't I find answers? I don't understand how lifetime friends can extricate themselves from a friendship without explanation or clear provocation; that kind of pain leaves a unique wound. I don't understand death. I don't understand why maturity is so dang hard to attain; we (hopefully) spend whole lifetimes endeavoring to do so. I don't understand how pain can be so unceasing. I don't understand why I have to live so far away from so many people I care about so deeply. I don't understand how I can still miss Fancy as much today as I did 1 year ago when she passed away; that pain is far too intense and it seems like time should have healed the void more than it has. I don't understand wildfires; unfortunately, I have a pretty good understanding of their subsequent flooding, but I'd rather be less knowledgeable in that area. :-) 

And I don't understand goodness, kindness, generosity, selflessness, hope, strength inside of people that can change the world for unbelievable good, joy, laughter, the overwhelming beauty of this Creation, the comfort I find in the love of a great dog (or four), the paintings in the sky, or love. 

I'm not in search of answers to (most of) these things. There is one thing I do understand: my days are FILLED with wonder and I treasure the tiny details inside of my heart because they are mine to hold. If my memory fades with time and age, this is my written record, my way of holding onto those magical, potent and life-changing minute details. Kelton showing his puppy how to swim in the ice-cold creek water. Lochlan walking with his pillow (covered in sand and water) on top of his head down the entirety of the trail - such talent! Madigan out-walking me - those long legs serve him well! Declan's endless puns.... he's relentless and it's hilarious. The birds. The flowers. The tree blossoms. The wild lilacs blooming in the forest. The tiny fish trying to swim upstream. The pools of clear water. The canyon walls. The conversations with my boys. These nuggets from today are a reminder that I am rich. 

I am also still recovering from COVID, so off to bed. :-)