Off a mountain and into a canyon

The West Fork of Oak Creek canyon has been a part of our (extended) family history for generations. Mom and Aunt Teona have a mental file folder of childhood memories from this place, and my sisters and I and all of our cousins have our own memories in this place. I absolutely love watching my boys build their memories now too. The smell of Oak Creek is something that I would know blindfolded. As soon as I enter the canyon, all feels right in the world. 

As the boys raced along the trail at a full gallop (with a closer resemblance to elephants than horses) I gave thanks; these are the things I will treasure in my heart for all my days. 

Lochlan has been doing incredibly well. He still has challenging days, sometimes battles headaches, and gets a rough night thrown in here and there, but overall he is developing and growing and learning and becoming. He has integrated so well with this band of brothers. I know that their unconditional love for him and their willingness and true desire to include him in everything will change the whole trajectory of his life for the better. The long hikes we've been taking to help ease his anxiety and raging are working incredibly well so far. He not only keeps up, but sometimes out-hikes us all! He is also learning the love - the love of the creation and all that's in it and the love of wandering in that creation. Watching that in each of the boys does my heart good. Most of our hikes are between 7-8 miles, and last week we took on Mt. Elden, which was almost a 3000' elevation gain and closer to 6 miles. Lochlan beat us to the top! 

This past weekend, we went to the Grand Canyon to meet Ankie Tae and her friends who were visiting AZ for a couple days. It was Lochlan's first hike down the canyon and we went a couple miles down the South Kaibab trail. Bumpy, who has recently been certified as a service dog for Lochlan, led him all the way down and pulled him all the way back up the trail. Aberdeen wanted to go, but she is not really big enough to do the "heavy lifting" with Lochlan because he's now so tall. It was incredible to watch them working together. Lochlan was really nervous about the drop off the trail, so he kept Bumpy on his outside and she willingly obliged. Madigan was the first to get out of the canyon and he was mighty proud! He said he pushed himself to see if he could do it. It always surprises (and delights) me to see how the boys choose to push themselves in the unexpected places, to help when it's not expected, to find the hidden treasure in an adventure, to do or be more than they would naturally expect of themselves. 

Some days are dark and stormy and the sun struggles to break through, but we push hard to find it. We know all too well how everything can change, life can be altered, and this broken world can be ruthless as it weaves through the fabric of our lives. In these moments I find comfort and encouragement in what I SEE. 

Today I wasn't strong enough

The days since Lochlan's seizure have passed without further incident, much to my immense relief. I feel like most days are spent trying to keep him calm and most nights are spent trying to get him to sleep. Stay calm and get lots of sleep; that was the doctor's orders to help prevent further seizures. Sounds more simple than it actually is. 

He is fine, acting normal, and then something irritates him (it's not obvious what, why or how) and then he's instantly angry and tense. We have found that the best way to calm him is to take him for long hikes, so we are rapidly becoming a family of long-distance hikers. :-)  We've been going 7-9 miles each hike. Also, the hiking helps him to sleep so much better at night. 

On the most recent hike, Lochlan raged for over 2 hours before calming down. He was tossing his bag of popcorn into that air, at trees, at us, slamming into us as he ran by, kicking trees, yelling, screaming, throwing sticks, etc. After the first hour of the raging, my eyes just filled with tears; it's so hard to watch this struggle erupting inside of him and not be able to help him. I know the hiking is helping him. I know that loving him unconditionally is helping him. I know that all the incredible people he has working alongside him are helping him. I know that giving him resources and tools and skills is helping him. But, as his mom not REALLY being able to help him, take away his pain, make his life easier, not being able to replace his anger with joy in those moments... it's pure torture. I fight my own anger, I wrestle against the pain of what I cannot change, I try not to be overwhelmed by the exasperation. 

As we walked alongside Lochlan in those two hours, I found myself thinking, "Today, I'm not strong enough. I'm just not strong enough." 

I am so thankful I live at the base of these mountains. I am so thankful these 3 brothers love Lochlan so absolutely. I know that my life is rich. And the truth is, I'm not strong enough; but, I'm learning day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year that I don't have to be strong enough. I have to show up, I have to take the next step, I have to to climb the mountain(s) ahead one tiny step at a time, not in giant leaps. The dogged determination to stay in forward motion is most usually what is required.